The twisted world of Tim Jones

I've moved to myspace

2005-06-29T13:56:00.000-04:00

I moved my blog to www.myspace.com/timjonescomedy. Come there to follow my adventures further. I'm going to Los Angeles soon.........................................................

Deep in the heart of Texas

2005-04-28T04:15:00.000-04:00

People are friendly as hell! It was nothing like people up here think. I had a great time there and thanks to Slade Ham for helping me out. Check him out at www.sladeham.com. Very funny and a helluva guy. Texas was great and I will be going back in the fall. Doing the Laff Stop open mic was very interesting, and I got to see the place where a lot of my idols have been. I feel pretty good about the future now. I got the Monday night at Bears, finally, which means that I am doing well. I also got an opportunity to split headline and do 40 minutes. I don't know if I'm ready but I am going to try. It's crazy, things are happening fast now all the time. I hope I can keep up. I feel like I am only scratching the surface of what I can do with this. Just wanted to check in. Wedding shit is getting crazy. She said it wouldn't be a big deal, but it is. I hate doing shit like that, planning and such.But, I will do it for Sherri, she is worth it. Until next time.

Jessica Lunsford, Fascism, and 1984

2005-04-20T15:17:00.000-04:00

Now, let me begin by saying that I was as horrified as you by the abduction and murder of Jessica Lunsford. Not to mention the other little children who seem to disappear daily here in the land of milk and honey. But, this satellite tracking bill is the first step into fascism in America, my friends, mark my words. There is nothing that even comes close to the term "Orwellian" than this. Seems our friend George was a true visionary. We are entering a "Brave New World" with this frame of thinking. First Schiavo, now this. Who will be next? Soon, they will convince you to tag your children for "their safety". I can't believe that people are falling for this. These are the first steps to total government control. Remember you are free at all times. Why don't we ask the real question? What is wrong with our society that we produce more child touchers, serial killers, and general violent nuisances than any other country in the civilized world? We already have more people in prison than any other country, and that has seemed to work well, huh? We are living in historic times, my friends and fellow Americans. Our Government has finally started to turn it's attention to us, and with people like Delay and Karl Rove running the show, it will only get worse. Soon we will all be tagged and tracked by satellite while our armies pacify the rest of the world. No one seems to care, but remember the old german adage. "When they came for the gypsies, I didn't care. When they came for the homosexuals, I didn't care. When they came for the jews, I didn't care. I wasn't one of them. But, then they came for me." It can happen and will if we don't do something soon. Christian fascism is coming and corporate control is already a reality. What are you going to do to protect freedom?

Back to Work

2005-04-15T16:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I had to go back to work after a brief mourning period for Mitch. We did a tribute to him at the April Fool's Day show, which was cool. We listened to Strategic Grill Locations before our show, and at the end we all told Mitch jokes. Then I went off to Louisville to do a week at the Caravan. I was opening for a hypnotist, Ricky Kalmon (www.rickykalmon.com) so it was interesting to say the least. I got to hang with Tim Northern, which is always a treat, and we might do some touring together in the future. I am headed off to the great state of Texas next, that should be a treat. I want to ask them if they are happy at what they have unleashed upon the world, but I think I will ease into it. I am going back in the summer as a feature so this time I will try to suck them into liking me so I can turn the tables on them next time. Hopefully they won't want to drag me from the back of a truck! I'm white, so I have that going for me anyway. I miss Mitch already, it seems too unbelieveable to me that he's not with us anymore. But, jokes must go on and I know he would want us to keep stirring up the shit. Saw Dane Cook last night. I'm not into his style but I have to admit, he puts on a show. It was entertaining, I must admit. Very energetic and one guy who opened for him, Gary Gulman, was funny as shit. Check him out if you get the chance. Smart and funny material, and he was on last comic standing. Well, I gotta go, just checking in. Lots of wedding planning and booking going on, so things are quite busy now. I'll try to check back before I leave.

Mitch Hedberg RIP my friend

2005-03-31T15:49:00.000-05:00

Well, you did it. All I can say is that I am glad you touched my life, bro. I've never met a human being that was so unique, but yet like me in so many ways. We shared the artistic mentality and that is why we became friends. I had a sneaking suspicion that your pain was too much, but I had hoped I could do something to help you. We would have had fun this summer, and to tell you the truth I wanted to keep an eye on you. I had a feeling something like this might happen to you one day, I just didn't expect it so soon. You have left a lot of people behind who loved you, man. What are we gonna do for these people? Keep on keeping on, I guess. Comedy is surely worse today, and I feel empty inside. I have to find a way to be funny tomorrow night, but I know that is what you would want. I am going to fulfill what you wanted for me and go full steam ahead. We will take care of Lynn the best we can and make sure that nothing happens to her. Say hello to Teri Schiavo, and tell her we are sorry for making her death into a circus. Dammit, man, I want to be pissed at you but I can't be. You were one of the best people I have had the pleasure to know, and I miss you already. Take care, my brother, and keep watch over us. Comedy is not as funny today.

Getting married in a shithole world

2005-03-26T22:23:00.000-05:00

Well, I am finally doing it. Me and Sherri are getting married on August 13th. My family is happy, I have finally found the one. I love her, she is one of the best things to ever happen to me and I want to share this crazy ride that is my life with her. It is hard to find happiness in a world full of Jessica Lundsfords and Atlanta courthouse shootings or kids shooting up their high schools, but I have found some with Sherri and I am going to hold onto it. Once again, what is wrong with us? Little kids are disappearing from street corners all over Florida, but Jeb Bush is running around trying to save a vegetable. The war in Iraq is almost an afterthought now, even though our people continue to die every day. We are selling F-16's to Pakistan while at the same time promoting peace and telling others not to be violent. What a fuckin joke this world is. Child molesters walk out of jail with 25 convictions while drug offenders rot away in prisons all across America. Amazing. Christians lie and do whatever is necessary to push their ideology onto others. Oh, yeah, FUCK RANDALL TERRY. Sorry, just wanted to get that out. This guy has the nerve to be the spokesman for the christian right? Do you know his own children won't speak to him? That he was censured from his church for having an affair with an intern? What balls this guy has, and what's up with his hair? He looks like a badly constructed muppet whose bitterness has sucked any soul he had out of him long ago. This guy used to carry around fetuses in his pocket, you don't think that's kind of sick? Yes, Randall, look around this shithole world and realize that happiness can only be found when you make the world smaller. Big enough for 2 and your closest friends. I love you Sherri, and together I think we can manage.

What's your favorite vegetable?

2005-03-18T19:18:00.000-05:00

Schiavo. What we are doing to this woman is sickening. Why can't we let her die with dignity? The fundamentalists are taking over this country. Do you think that all these people outside her house will fucking take care of her if they manage to save her? NO. They will go back to their pointless lives or find someone else's life to interfere with. Go home and watch "The Passion" over and over until they hear the call of someone else's tragedy they can stick their nose in. Do you really think that this woman's husband just can't wait to kill his wife? That he's hovering over her like some Alfred Hitchcock movie with a twisted look on his face? He's taken care of her, a vegetable, for over 10 years now. The selfishness of her family is disgusting. Man, I thought my family reuinion was tense, I wouldn't want to be at the Schiavo family picnic! It would be a little edgy is all I'm saying. Just hover by the beans and watch the fireworks. Do me a favor, STAY OUT OF MY LIFE. I don't want to be a vegetable, ok. I don't want to shit on myself, drool, be a burden and a downer on my family and friends. Is this alright with you? Thank god for the web, this is now my LIVING WILL. If anything ever happens to me, please direct them to this page so they can pull the plug without all this bullshit. Let me die with dignity, human beings deserve that much. Unless you're a child molesting pervert like this fuck in Florida. People like that should just be taken out back and shot. 30 year history of child predation, these people never change. Get rid of them, they create more fucked up people through their victimization of young children. I'm glad it was Florida, he'll get the chair for sure, they like that shit down there. Wal Mart hires Illegal Aliens to do floor work, all over the country. This place is great, never a shortage of shit to talk about. My first feature spot at the Bone went well, I am booked again already. Things are looking good, I'm picking up new fans all the time. Strap in, the ride is just beginning.

Trust in the police

2005-03-15T04:51:00.000-05:00

Great job this weekend, huh? That Atlanta police department is really on their toes. After a guy who is being guarded by ONE deputy, a woman, goes crazy and beats her and takes her weapon. He then walks calmly to the courtroom and offs the judge and court reporter, then walks out of the courthouse. WALKS OUT! Confronted by 1 deputy, he kills him, then goes on a Grand Theft Auto type carjaking spree. The Atlanta police, always on the ball, cordon off the area. What does Brian Nichols do, parks the car in the SAME GARAGE and calmly walks out to the train station, where you think they would be looking for him. Nope, he gets on the A-train to Buckhead while the cops are scouring all of Georgia for a car that is a BLOCK AWAY! Unbelieveable. I mean, besides the people dying, this whole thing was laughable from the start. A drunk guy coming out of a basketball game found the fucking car in the garage! Don't you feel safe now? These are the people who are supposed to protect you from the bad guys? I'm going to start carrying my gun with me because I don't trust these stupid motherfuckers. Yeah, the police state is in good hands. What a fucking joke. Thanks to that woman no one else was hurt. That woman is incredible, by the way, what a show of strength under pressure. Not many could have handled that situation, she was better than the police, that's for sure. Then, the next day a guy shoots up his church service, 11 killed. What the fuck is wrong with us? Is this the country you really think it is? Creating Nancy Grace's and John Walsh's, bitter victims of crime who now crusade for a police state and a prison on every block? Is that the answer? I think we are just creating a culture of criminals with all these prisons. Prison just makes them meaner and angrier and when they get out, they are worse than when they went in. I don't have the answer, but I'm beginning to think what we're doing isn't working very well. People are animals, look at what we do to each other. To pretend anything else is foolhardy. Sorry I don't feel funny at the moment, just a lot of thoughts about this violent USA. I try to love this country, but it is hard sometimes. Seems death and violence is our legacy here. It's been that way since day 1. Ask an indian, if you can find one. How about the africans, we were great to them, huh? And the chinese, worked to death by the thousands building our railroads, ask them about the Land of the Free. How about the 12 year old mexican migrant worker picking strawberries in California? Ask him about the American Dream. There is a lot to digest in the history of this country, and a lot to fear when you go outside. Who will snap next? The guy in the cubicle next to you? Some crazed fundamentalist at my show? Your creepy neighbor? "He was always such a nice guy, kept to himself, though." I don't see crazed snipers in Europe, why is that? Sure, there are murders, but not in the volume we have here. Why do you think that is? Things like Atlanta and this church shooting make me wonder. Funny Bone Wednesday and Dave Attell on St. Patty's Day, should be a rockin time...........................

Shadows from the past

2005-03-08T20:37:00.000-05:00

Man, it's funny how you can slip back into a way of life like an old pair of comfortable shoes. Being around Mitch Hedberg is as close to being in the rock atmosphere that you can get, and I must say that I missed it. It's all about the lifestyle, traveling, hotels, and adventure. Much more fulfilling than a 9 to 5, I'll tell you that. Not to sound like some kind of ass kisser, but I must thank Hedberg again for the opportunity. He paid me a ridiculous amount of money for four 7 minute guest sets, and got me in with Zanies. Thank you to Brian as well, the owner of Zanies, he let me stay in the condo and gave me a check for $100 dollars for the same 4 sets that Mitch already paid me insanely for. Good people, all, and Brian understands artists. He's not a corporate jackass like a lot of people running clubs, he truly understands comedy and the freaks who do it! All the people who work there are gracious as well. We paid off hotel security, it was awesome. Like comedy mafioso, giving payoffs to the security guard to leave us alone. A true adventure, it was exhillarating. Check out www.randykagan.com, Randy is a very funny guy who you will enjoy. I saw Tim Northern in Nashville, Tim is great and we know each other pretty well. He doesn't have a website so I can't steer you to him, but look for him in clubs. Great comic with smart jokes and stellar delivery. I also got to hang out with Todd Glass for a night. Todd was on Last Comic Standing, and was great as well. I went down early on Saturday to check out his show. www.toddglass.com, go there. I am meeting so many people in the industry now, it is starting to move fast, hard to keep up. Dave Attell next week, and who knows what after that. Mitch invited me to come to Florida in June, so I am looking forward to that. Not much to complain about at this time, life is pretty good...............

White Supremacy is still alive!

2005-03-02T03:23:00.000-05:00

Yeehaw! White Supremacy is not dead. Apparently a group of nazi's killed a judge's family in Chicago. The movement lives on. I knew it would. Good old America, makes you proud. Just when you think you have it stamped out, it rears it's ugly head again. How about this BTK fucker? Crazy, man. They say he was on people about cutting their grass. You better cut that grass from now on! How creepy would that be, if the local prick on the block turned out to be a serial killer! Yeah, I got in a fight with him about my trashcans. I wish I'd have known. What a weird and wonderful place we have constructed here, I love it. You never know what kind of crazy shit is going to happen next. Now that the nazi's are back, the game's on! I am about to go to Nashville and meet up with Hedberg. I am nervous and excited about the opportunity. I don't know how long he wants me for, but anything is good to me. I have beeen writing some new stuff and want to try it soon, I'm going down on Saturday, maybe I'll try to find a mic somewhere to rant into. I am at the point now where it's hard to work in new stuff as often as I'd like. When you are trying to kill and impress the club, etc. it's harder to sneak in new things because you are afraid it won't work. Stick with the tried and true, be safe, it sucks. I like to always try to adapt and don't want to get in a rut. I hope to be getting a lot more work now that Mitch is in my corner, but we'll see. It should be a crazy adventure, and I am ready, I think. I will be on the radar screen after this, I hope. It's starting to pay off, all the hard work I've put in over the last 10 years. Playing in bands and doing comedy, toiling away in obscurity. I hope that I can finally make a living in show business. I just have to stay sharp and avoid the Klan..................

Thank you, Mitch Hedberg

2005-02-26T18:24:00.000-05:00

I will be at Zanies in Nashville, TN opening for Mitch Hedberg on March 6 and 7. I know he will probably never read this, but I want to thank Mitch Hedberg for this opportunity. Not many guys of his stature would take the time to help a guy at my level, and I appreciate it greatly. For some reason I think we hit it off well, and he sees something in my act. It is very flattering to have someone like that take notice of your work. I hope to make the most of this chance. I think there will be more shows with him in the future so look out for that! Hedberg is going to put me on the map in the comedy world if I don't suck! Stay tuned for further details.

Goodbye Hunter S. Thompson

2005-02-21T03:28:00.000-05:00

You will be missed by me, anyway. One of the greatest writers ever. If you haven't read his work, please do. One of the more interesting points of view ever. I am saddened right now about this loss. One of a kind for sure. Shot himself. It's hard to believe such a bitter, tough, son of a bitch could be broken. This world is out of control, and I guess it's getting harder to take for some people. It is a sad day for me.

Mitch Hedberg is the man!

2005-02-18T04:51:00.000-05:00

I have never met someone in the postion that Mitch is in who is so down to earth. He is a legend in the comedy world already, but he acts like he is just a nomal guy. No ego whatsoever, which is quite rare in this business, especially if you've been on Letterman 14 times! I played with a lot of famous bands back in the day, and you see it there as well. I just wanted to thank Mitch personally for being such a cool guy. He treats the lowly emcee like he is an equal, and that is rare. In other news, I hope you are not one of the 145,000 people who got their identity stolen from Choicepoint. Good luck with you credit! Try to get out of that one. Aren't corporations great? This is what makes America #1! Where are all the billions going to come from to pay for all of W's grand ideas? I'd like to know.

Pottsville, PA

2005-02-15T02:11:00.000-05:00

Pottsville is a small town outside of Harrisburg which is a little like saying there's not much there. Apparently the town was built before cars were invented, because there is NO parking in that town. The people were nice, though. It was the first show opening a Comedy Zone there. The people in that town had never seen live comedians before. They didn't quite know what to do at first, I think we were the sacrificial lambs! No emcee to break the ice so I had to go up cold to a crowd who didn't quite know what was going on at first. It was interesting and a good learning experience. They loosened up after a few minutes and it was good. The comedian I was working with was great and a nice guy as well. Check him out at www.philhogancomedy.com. Funny dude. There is so much to do, I am organizing a protest outside the Ashlee Simpson show so come out if you hate her as much as I do. I am tired of these no talent hacks and want the man to know it! She is the poster child for everything that is wrong with this country to me. Mediocrity, ignorance, and no pride in herself. It's staggering to watch her television show for 5 minutes. She's shopping and shit, I'm asking why you aren't home practicing your horrible voice? I have no problem with her selling her shitty music to kids, but she is coming into our space now. SNL was the last straw for me, then she sucked up the Orange Bowl AFTER that! The sound of 80,000 boos wasn't enough to convince her to go away so I feel something more dramatic must be done. We will show her in Nick Lache's hometown that we are sick of hack ass no talent corporate created bullshit! Who am I kidding, I'll be there by myself, this is Cincinnati. No one cares about anything here. I'm going to try, nonetheless. I think it could be good for a little publicity for the Revolution, which we haven't had for a while. We'll see what happens. Come out to Mitch Hedberg this week at the Funny Bone, I'm hosting all week................

What exactly is a budget?

2005-02-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

Can a budget be a budget if half the things you are spending money on are not included? This is the question I pose to you. Say I was going out on a road trip, and I say I need $100. You give me the money, then I come back and say, "Oh, yeah. I need money for gas and food as well." Wouldn't these be the FIRST things you would think of? No, we are going to cut veterans medicare and food stamps for poor people so we can afford to invade Iran. 200 Border patrol agents for the Mexican border, that's homeland security right there, my friends. These are only the first few months of a 4 year term, and he's already going off the deep right edge. Don't you feel your retirement is safe in the hands of Enron and the like? Privatize social security and see what happens. Everything in this country is crooked, and you think that putting your money in the hands of investment brokers is a good idea? We are dumber than I thought, and that is saying something. Even the church is full of shit, did you see the Ashlee Simpson Pope incident? What the hell is that all about? Do they think people are that fucking stupid? Hell, he even sounded dead on the tape! Just retire, bro. Let go, it's just sad now to watch. And what's up with the schoolteachers banging all the students? This world is falling apart rapidly, and we just continue to stand by watching it all on a reality show. At least the ratings are up. I got some work in Florida now in the summer, so things are rolling along nicely as far as comedy goes. I will get to visit some old friends, hopefully catch a Gargamel show and chill on the beach. Pennsylvania on Friday, should be fun..............

Late Night Thoughts

2005-02-04T04:22:00.000-05:00

Michael Jackson may get off, but you'll never convince me he hasn't done some icky things! He's a fucking freak, there is definitely something wrong with that guy. This Iraqi vote seems to have gone over well, and I hope it works out. Of course, the same exact election with the same exact results occurred in South Vietnam and I think we know how that turned out. I guess we'll see. I noticed today something I have long suspected. There is definitely a tension amongst local comics around here. The messageboards today were full of little barbs. Nothing serious, but tension is evident. And another local guy posted on another site that I had said Cincinnati sucks for comedy. I guess he took it personal. I was just speaking from my own perspective. I have long kept silent on this issue because I desire no conflict with anyone, but I will try to state my position on comedians now in the nicest way I can. First of all, there is no way that you can tell people who want to be or are in this business the truth about how you feel about everything. There are a lot of big egos in comedy and these kind of people don't really listen anyway, and a lot of them will hold what you say against you or take it personally. So, I find it best to kind of keep to myself in this area. Trust me, some people don't want to know what I really think anyway. I am confident in my own ability and that is all you really need. That is the second point that people seem to miss. You are the only one who can make or break you in this business. If you do good, you advance. It doesn't really matter what the other guy is doing. You just have to do your thing and try to be the best you can. There is a lot of ass kissing and bullshitting that goes on and a lot of it is unfair. Comics get shows in lots of different ways. Some use comic acquaintances to "hook them up" with spots in clubs. Some get work in exchange for favors. It isn't always about talent. I say more power to you. You get ahead however you can in this business, and it is very cutthroat. I know that a lot of guys around here would step over my corpse to get my spot on stage, no matter how nice they are to your face. It's all part of the game, I've learned to grudgingly accept that. There is no way to avoid it, it's just the way it is. It's hard to know who your real friends are sometimes. Then there is the matter of skill level. Since there is no structure or organization, comics of all levels must coexist in the same spaces sometimes. This brings into play many jealosy issues, etc. A lot of comics are really insecure people at heart, so that makes for some friction. We are all trying to get to the same place, but I think everyone knows that there is only room for precious few at the top. This turns it into a competition for some people, and when some get work and others don't there is resentment there. I went through all these same things in the beginning. You have to be somewhat cocky to even be doing this at all is how I see it. I've never been a big self doubter, I just jump right into things with confidence that I am intelligent enough to figure it out. Usually I do ok, I am persistant as well! It took me 3 years to get a band going when I was 22, but I never gave up and achieved my goal. I look at comedy the same way. I don't know if I am the best, but that is what I am striving for one day. If you are going to do something, you should at least try to be the best at what you do. There are also some people who don't understand that being a comic is a lot of work and dedication. Sure, anyone can get on a stage with a microphone and talk and call themselves a comedian, but the truth is there is so much more to it than that. Crafting an act, a REAL comedy act is a lot of hard work. Hundreds of hours of time spent on stage trying different things. Some work, some fail. And when they fail, you are in front of an audience, and they stare at you like you're a jackass, but that's all part of the game. You cannot do it any other way. You cannot just take a class and become a comic in just 3 short weeks. These classes can help, for sure, but they don't automatically grant you the title of comedian. This must be earned by going onstage for 10 minutes at a time hundreds of times at any shithole that has a microphone. This is what some people don't seem to get. They want to come right out of the box and have the same respect that others have worked for for years, and that is the only problem I have with this way of thinking. We are not all on the same level, and I don't believe we should have to act like we are. I have earned every job I get through hard work and persistence. I have crafted my act over a long period of time. I am proud of what I have created and feel I should be rewarded for it. I don't think I am better than anyone, and fully support the endeavors of others. I just wish we could all get along better in the community of comedic artists here locally. I hope no one takes this individually, as I was speaking philosphically about the whole situation. It's early and I'm probably rambling so I apologize. I have just wanted to get this off my chest for a while. There shouldn't be all the negativity. Can't we all just get along? (tired cliche)

Things are well

2005-02-03T04:02:00.000-05:00

Monday I sent out presskits to 8 different bookers throughout the country. Today the phone rang and it was Heffron Talent. They are a large booking agency that books the "Comedy Zone" chain of clubs and one night rooms throughout the eastern part of the country. It only took two days to get a bite, so I know I'm on the right track. Hopefully more will call in the coming days. I got a job from Heffron in Pottsville, PA on the 11th now so things are coming along nicely. If I do well at this gig I am in full time with them. I wanna kill Ashlee Simpson, did I mention that? I'm thinking of calling my first cd that. The work is starting to trickle in again, so that is cool. I hope to get back to NY soon, maybe set up a run that ends there. I won't even comment on the state of the union, I need a day to digest all the bullshit. In the meantime, I will continue to plug away. Come out to the Mitch Hedberg week at the Funny Bone February 17-20, I will be hosting. It is a great honor to work with one of the best so early in my career. If you haven't seen Mitch, do yourself a favor and check him out. I want to go west soon, I feel the call................

Watching the Iraq election

2005-01-30T04:19:00.000-05:00

6 suicide bombings already, 18 killed and it's not even noon yet in Baghdad! They were showing live footage from the polls and not a soul was voting. In one city of 550,000 there was 1 vote cast in the first hour. That's progress, huh. The reporter was reporting and explosions were happening while he was talking. Damn, it's hard to keep a body count. They keep saying more attacks, more killed as I write this. I can feel the world changing right now. The shining light of liberty is gleaming bright. I hope you can detect the sarcasm. This shit is insane. What are the people supposed to be voting for anyway? The western puppets that were just announced 2 days ago? They don't even know anything about the candidates! I don't see how you couldn't be pissed if you lived there. Who the fuck are we to tell them how to live? Look at us, I don't think you could say we have it all together. I hope that this all turns out in the end, but I get the feeling we will be dealing with GW's problems long after he's gone. At least there are jokes to be had, with this government they never seem to stop.................

cigarettes and thoughts on the Iraqi vote

2005-01-29T04:50:00.000-05:00

Well, what do you think is going to happen on Sunday? Do you think the world is going to miraculously change as the shining light of freedom and liberty shines bright in the Iraqi desert? That's what Georgie seems to think is going to happen. I think the only shining light you're going to see is from car bombs going off like the 4th of July. They will have a fireworks show, alright. This is all so insane. Did you catch the inaugural address? I haven't heard the word freedom used so many times in 20 minutes since C&C Music Factory. (That is an obscure reference, I feel like Dennis Miller, ugh) I don't know, man. I would love to see things get better, because it's gotta suck for those people living in Iraq right now. But, sadly I don't think that this is going to matter all that much. The Sunni's have been in control for centuries, they are not going to lie down quietly. Bush is talking about bringing his justice to other countries now. What the fuck is going on here? Are we just going to watch while this idiot destroys the world? Looks like it to me, and we have 4 more years of this shit to come. Thank you, Middle America, I'm sure the rest of the world loves you right now. These people have been fighting over there for hundreds of years, do you think they are going to stop now? Crazy. The administration lives in a mythical fairytale land if they think that this election is going to fix everything over there. We broke the fragile arrangement they had going to keep everything in line. Those people obviously need a dictator to keep the peace, we'd be better off just putting Saddam back at this point. I bet he'd kick some asses pretty quick! Maybe Saddam really understood his country and knew how to keep shit together. Obviously, we don't get it. I sit up late and smoke cigarettes and think about this shit all the time. The world is so quiet outside my window. I bet the people in Baghdad would love to enjoy that about now. What do you think that is like? Can you try to understand what we've done to these people? Their whole fabric of life is fucked now, upside down. There is no law and order. Even the reporters there won't leave their fucking hotels, too scared. It's dangerous out there. Go inside and enjoy your freedom. What a joke. I bet if you ask most Iraqi's they'd take Saddam back with open arms, at least you could go outside. I am by no means a Hussein fan, but building a country in a place where they hate you can be difficult. Remember Cheney said they would greet us with flowers. Hahah. Yeah, with grenades in them, you stupid ass pompous bastard. I can't believe these guys. I hope you have your bibles out, check that part about the end of the world. Do you see any similarities? If this is what you believe in, why would you deliberately try to bring it about? Because they are CRAZY. God will sort it out. Keep cranking out the bombs, that doesn't contribute to the problem, no. We need more, bigger bombs. And weapons in space, yeah. The space niggers are coming to get us, honey, get my shotgun! If there are aliens, how they must laugh at us. How fucking dumb are we? This is really starting to get out of hand. The comedy that is the human race has no end......................

Corbin is alright

2005-01-25T13:28:00.000-05:00

Well, that was cool. Corbin is a small town in Kentucky that just went wet about 6 months ago. That's right, they just lost prohibition! Welcome to the modern age. Now if they will just take that doggie-style law off the books the party can begin for real! The people of Corbin are really nice. I had a great time and look forward to going back again soon. I got the Mitch Hedberg week at the Funny bone, so I am excited about that. It is strange, last year I was watching Mitch and Dave Attell at the Taft theater, this year I will be onstage with both. It really gives you a sense of accomplishment. I feel like I am heading in the right direction finally. There is so much anxiety in this business, you need to feel like you are heading in a positive direction. Denis finally cracked the vaunted Comedy Cellar, congrats to him. All his work is starting to pay off at exactly the same time as mine, so it's cool to have someone to share it with. Brad seems to be doing ok as well with his Stern connections, I am proud of these guys. It's real easy to get hung up in all the bullshit that goes along with this business and forget your focus. Now, Denis is going to help me get into the Cellar and I will finally get to taste a little big league action. The only way to find out if you can hang with the big dogs is to go on their porch and see what happens. I am looking forward to the opportunity. I need to get more bookings lined up, so forgive me if I cut it short today. I have a lot of work to do dubbing tapes and sending packages, the not so glamorous part of being a self-employed comedian. You are also your own secretary! No one told me that, this is bullshit.....................

What's 40 million? and Hurricane swindle

2005-01-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

What's 40 million dollars when your local school is falling apart? That is a VERY conservative number, by the way, of the money that will be spent this week to inaugurate our already sitting President. They should just call it "Fuck the Democrats Week" and get it over with. I really don't understand the reasoning behind this shit. Do you know that a lot of Countries around the world cancelled their New Year's Eve celebrations and sent the money that they would have spent to the tsunami victims? Not us! We are going all out to celebrate the coronation of our fearless leader. His first term has been so successful, we need to have a party! I have been looking for the thank you parents of deceased US soldiers ball, but I have not been able to find where it is being held at. These people make me sick to my stomach. I can't believe that this is the type of shit that goes on, and we continue to pretend like it doesn't matter. You know that you have raised the bar on corruption in this country with your re-election of these criminals? You have affectively told them that we don't care if you use questionable tactics during elections. That you will say anything to get elected, then proceed to do whatever you want. That we can start a war and the owners of the companies that profit most are in charge of the whole thing. That a government who produces illegal propoganda is OK. Have you heard the latest hilarity? It seems that untold millions of FEMA hurricane aid dollars were diverted to Miami, even though Miami was never even hit by hurricanes! Hmmm. And the FEMA numbers were fudged by someone in the administrtation to justify this. Hmmmm. Isn't that a battleground state? Isn't that the President's brother's state? Hmmm. Seems to be a little fishy. There is so much going on, let me remind you that most of Bush's people once worked for Nixon. I think we know what the attitude was with those people about government. They are not afraid to break the law to achieve their ends, these people are not clean, by any means. I am proud that we re-elected a C student, a former drunken cokehead, and a man who only reads The Bible and no other books. Shit, if it wasn't for the 3rd thing, I could be President under these standards. Just remember, people are dying overseas for this shit. Have some respect for them and call the government out on this bullshit. Don't just stand idly by and let corruption ruin our country. It's already ruined our reputation around the world, and I think they are waiting to see what WE are going to do. Oh, yeah, nothing! We're going to watch American Idol, the new season is on!!!!!!!!!

That went well

2005-01-17T01:55:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back from my trip. That went pretty well. Carbondale Friday was ok, the people there were a little uptight. I think it was a "get 'r done" type crowd. I did ok, but not as good as I would have hoped. At these times, you look for the people who understand your stuff and work to them. They are the fanbase, fuck you if you don't like me. At this point in my career that is how I have to think. The people who understand me and like it will come back to see me and hopefully they will bring friends. I was nervous as well, this being my first real weekend, so I probably wasn't at my absolute best. These things show through onstage, I know that. Bloomington, however, was a completely different story. I had the best sets I've ever had in my life, I feel like I was starting to get into a groove with the longer set. I have to remember that I am just starting out in the long form and try not to be too rigid or hard on myself. I am learning on the fly, which is the only way to do it in comedy. I am just always afraid that I will bomb and lose work from the bookers. But, I have yet to bomb. The worst I've gotten is lukewarm, which is good in comedy. It can be brutal. The bar time has helped me thicken my skin, I am glad I did that! There was a heckler on Saturday, my first. He wasn't really being a dick, just kept yelling out shit. I let him go 3 times, then slammed him. Something like, "here's the signal, I'll point at you when I want you to yell shit. now you got something to work with, so shut the fuck up until I point" or something like that. It worked, and I was curious as to what would happen in this situation. I've never really been put in that position before, and was pretty satisfied in the way I handled it. I don't get rattled, that's the secret. That's why I don't believe in memorizing a script. Guys that do that usually get rattled with the slightest outside interference, they get thrown off their game when someone in the crowd talks to them. I always try to remain as natural as possible, and actually look forward to audience interaction in the future. As I get more comfortable, I will try to work in more. I am still vetting material all the time. Switching my set around, experimenting. Soon I will hit on the right combo and arrangement. I am about 75% there. I feel like things are progressing nicely. I am adding little things all the time. Bits are expanding. With the feature slot, you can let your act breathe more. Also, I am learning to use my stopwatch and not rely on the light for support. Soon I will know naturally when to wrap it up and won't need to look for support from the booth! Next week I go down to Kentucky, let's see how they handle me down there! I have done well down there thus far, it should be cool. I am taking the Bill Hicks Flying Saucer Tour, and I look forward to the challenge.

And He's off!

2005-01-14T02:05:00.000-05:00

Well, this weekend is my first real weekend as a working feature comic. I am off to Carbondale, Illinois for a show on Friday night. It is a small college town, looks like maybe 75 miles outside of St. Louis. I am looking forward to it. It is my first job for the Funny Business Agency, supposedly one of the biggest in the country. I am excited about the prospects for the future. They book 62 cities, so I should get a lot of work for later in the year from them. Then, on Saturday, I return to Bears Place in Bloomington, Indiana. I started there as an emcee last year, so it is gratifying to finally go back as a feature. The people there are great and it is always fun to return there. The staff there has seen me develop from the very beginning, so it will be interesting to perform my whole act for them. This is it, I have been working towards this point for 2 years now and it is a strange feeling to feel success coming at you. Success to me is getting paid to do something I love, and I have reached my goal. Now, it's up to me to make it happen. Hell, I don't even feel like bitching today, I must be in a good mood! I'm off to bed, lots of driving tomorrow. Next week, Corbin, Kentucky. That should be interesting!

Just Chillin'

2005-01-08T01:03:00.000-05:00

Just had a wonderful dinner with Sherri at the Boathouse on the Ohio River. Sure, it's brown and full of shit, but it's all we have here. It was very nice. We haven't gottten the chance to spend too much quality time together what with the holidays and me being on the road, so it was great to get the chance to enjoy something nice together. Had a bottle of wine with dinner, then decided to pick up a little more on the way home. I've been in NY the past weekend, and I want to thank Denis's family for treating me like a member once again. I have never met such gracious people in my life. It is hard to express how much I appreciate their kindness to me. In a world where most people will spit in your face, it's nice to know old fashioned human kindness still exists. And in NYC of all places, who would have thought! It goes to show that stereotypes aren't all they're cracked up to be. Sure, they have attitudes, but they are only show. Inside, these people would take you in off the street. They did me, and I thank them for it. What a mixture, Italians and Mexicans! I thought I was loud! This dinner party was more entertaining than anything I'd been to in a long time. Anyway, I digress. It was nice to spend some quiet time with Sherri. She works hard and we don't always have time to spend together. Being a man who is insane, it's hard to find someone who will accept all the quirks that come along with that! Sherri is an exceptional woman. She understands I live in a fantasy world and totally lets me wander through it. A person like that is a rare commodity in todays world. When your greatest idols are Bill Hicks, Hunter S. Thompson, Lenny Bruce, etc., there is little hope for sanity in daily life! I have been drinking wine so I may ramble a bit. How about the story today about Bush paying Armstrong Williams (aka Uncle Tom) to push his "no child left behind" law? What a bunch of bullshit, huh? I mean, we all knew about Armstrong being the white man's puppet, but $240,000? I found this to be interesting, did you know that in California the legal age for a migrant worker is 12 years old? No child left behind, huh? "Hey, kid, grab a bucket and start pickin'. We don't want to leave you behind." And Mr. Williams says he sees how we might think it a bit unethical. Hahahaha. I can't tell you how much I've laughed at this sorry motherfucker on C-span or CNN or Fox, when they'll have him. For years. And now this. You are a modern day "House" and you know the rest of the phrase, your people made it up. You are the butler in the big house who looks away while your people are beaten by the massa'. Who justify it because you have a nice bed to sleep in and your back isn't covered with scars. There is a special place in hell for people like you, I hope. In the same instance, another story about how Bush used your money to produce fake news ads about the effects of drugs on the youth of America. PROPOGANDA, my friends. Served up to you by the US Government. In direct violation of Federal Law. Hahaha. Will anything come of this? NO. Why? Because the law is to keep the poor man in check and for the rich man to shit all over in order to control you. Even though you know it was a coordinated effort to do these things, it will all be explained away in a nonsensical press conference and gone tomorrow. Never mind that they reached into your childrens brains and inserted what they will, condemning pot while at the same time selling you vioxx and prozac and countless other DANGEROUS drugs that KILL people. What a fucking joke this country has become. If you want to lead the world, I hope for higher standards, my friends. We have to do something. This is out of hand. I haven't even begun to go into the disaster that is Iraq. That is for another rant entirely, probably 4 or 5................................

An open letter to Ashlee Simpson

2005-01-05T17:48:00.000-05:00

Ashlee, have you not got the point yet? Please just go away and stop embarrassing yourself every week. Maybe that acid reflux disease is giving you an ulcer from the booing you receive every night. It must be painful to stand in front of thousands of people you defrauded out of forty dollars and hear their unhappiness rain down on you like a tsunami of hate. I thought that you would get tired of it by now, but I see that you are such an attention whore that you will never stop. Please, call up Milli, or is it Vanilli, the one who didn't die. Ask them about shame and bowing out with at least a semblance of dignity. Last night was the pinacle. I knew you couldn't sing, but what were those moves you were doing? You looked exactly like what you are. A white girl with no semblance of rhythym whatsoever. I thought you were having a siezure for a second, what with the ear piercing shrieking that was coming out of your mouth. Your father should be beaten about the head and neck with as many blunt instruments as I can get my hands on. At least your sister has nice tits, so I can be distracted from the fact that she is a moron with no talent for the 3 minutes necessary to survive her appearance on my television. But you! You are NOT hot, you are NOT talented. Once again, at least Britney can dance. What exactly is your talent, Ashlee? I like how you took the message boards off your website. That is a sign, baby. Can't stand the heat? Do us all a favour and go back to Tiger Beat. You'll find the 12 year olds have lower standards.

Plattsburgh, New York

2005-01-05T01:38:00.000-05:00

I had a great time in Plattsburgh. I made some new friends and fans and rang in the new year. The show went great. Check out www.pantera.com. Phil is on there saying some heavy shit. Having been in a band myself, I know that relationship can get convoluted at times. It sucks that he never got the chance to make amends. Remember that you might never get that chance. Try to be the best person you can be. I fail sometimes myself, but I always try. It's a struggle. Check out www.dougstanhope.com as well. I have to agree with him on this one. I, myself, have been the victim of an occasional "get 'er done" hurled out from the crowd. It is distracting, to say the least. I don't think he doesn't have the right to do it, I just think I also have the right not to respect it. Larry the Cable Guy to me represents the lowest common denominator of comedy. I know I am no one compared to him, but I am not afraid to voice my opinion. J. Scott Holman does the redneck caricature much more cleverly, I think. Who knows, but there is truth in what Doug is saying. I am still trying to tune out the tsunami. It is so horrible it pains me to think of it. I'm glad I made some new friends, it is a tough world out there. You get warmth where you can.

Cheap Beachfront Property in Southeast Asia

2004-12-29T03:10:00.000-05:00

Well, looks like there will be an economic opportunity in Southeast Asia. On talk radio today, I heard a program (about money, of course) where this guy was actually touting the economic benefits of the disastrous tsunami. Imagine that! And we wonder why people hate us. Americans are lining up to invest in the rebuilding and I'm sure Halliburton is lobbying that it is the only company capable of handling the job. Sickening, isn't it? It is my belief that money will be the cause of the fall of the human race, whenever that happens. If not money, religion, or a combination of both. It's also funny to hear the christians trying to explain something like this. It really makes it come clear to me how archaic that belief system really is. Why do people need this invisible threat to maintain their common decency? "It was an act of God" God is always portrayed as loving until something like this happens. Then people are like, "well this world is a veil of tears"! Doesn't that seem contradictory to you? If God is so loving, has he been on break? 55,000 and counting doesn't seem very loving to me. All the wars, famines, natural disaster, disease. If this is love, I'll take my chances with indifference thank you very much. Whatever gets you through the night, as John Lennon said, is alright. But please remember that it is this very thing that is tearing at the fabric of humanity. We really need to examine this further. It's time for us to evolve our thinking a little. My thoughts and emotions are with the people of Southeast Asia, I wish you the best that can be had out of such a tragedy. If you only had oil, help would be there already.

Television Taping

2004-12-14T14:52:00.000-05:00

Last night I taped a set for a television show. It was definitely different than a normal show. The lights were fully on in the house, so the crowd was lit as well, which is different than usual. They had a crane camere that was swooping all over the place as you perform, which can be distracting but I think I did alright. We are getting a professionally edited DVD of our set, so that should be good for promotion. It is hard to get a good tape, so that in itself made it worth it. The people at the club were very nice. All the comics were from Cincinnati or Dayton, which was kind of odd because the show was in Louisville. It airs on Thurdays at 11:30pm on WB regionally in Kentucky and I suppose some people in Indiana and Ohio could see it as well. I had a good set, it felt pretty good. A tight 8 minutes! (inside comic joke) We even had to film a little preamble for the TV guys, so I did a little joke. It was fun and a good experience. I hope to do a lot of television in the future and it was good to see what happens during filming. Now I have a professional demo to give to the New York clubs. Much better than the shabby VHS I'm working with now. I'm picking up another job coming back from Illinois in January at Bears in Bloomington. One of the clubs I started in, it will be cool to finally go there as a feature. It really feels like I am making progress. Full speed ahead, I hope this is just the beginning. I seem to be doing well and people are finally treating me with respect. I am now a feature comic. It feels weird. I never thought this would be possible, but here I am. I hope to make the best of the chances I am getting. I'm doing better than Scott Peterson, at least!

Tim Jones psychic hotline

2004-12-10T15:57:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems that as I was writing my diatribe about American violence, Dimebag Darrel was killed by a lunatic fan in Columbus. I don't know what else to do but start a psychic hotline! I always seem to get these intuitions when bad shit happens. On September 11th, 2001, I awoke for no reason at 8 in the morning. This never happens, I am a sleep till noon kind of guy. For some reason that day I just popped awake with a bad feeling in my gut. This has happened to me for years, quite odd and hard to explain. When I lived in Florida, my girlfriends roomate skipped out on her, I remarked flippantly that he wouldn't make it out of Georgia. Bam, he calls and his car blew up outside of Atlanta. Strange. The other night, I had a feeling that we were getting out of control with our violent obsession and it seems that at that same time the carnage was happening at the Damageplan show. Fox news was awesome, putting Pantera lyrics onscreen and and making fun of Dimebag's name. You would almost think they thought he deserved to die, what a fucking joke they are. When Laci Peterson died, you would have thought the anchor's were going to burst into tears right on the television, but when Dimebag is shot they mock him and all that he stood for. Is he not a human being? If you don't wear a suit and tie and bow to the President you deserve to be killed? This is exactly the kind of hypocritical attitude that makes me sick about America. These elitist fucks who think that we are the "chosen people" and that if you don't live like they want you to you don't count in this system. Billy Cunningham, our local radio racist, has never hesitated to mock the dead. He made fun of Nathaniel Jones after he was beaten to death by the police, and yesterday was insulting Dimebag on the air. What a piece of shit this guy is. He is always touting his Christianity, is it Christian to mock the dead, Billy? It's fucks like you that make me question my loyalty to this country. If this is what we stand for, count me out. I, personally, think violence is wrong and no one, not even you, Billy, deserves to be killed in cold blood. When will we realize that we cannot have it both ways? You cannot play violence up as a selling point for TV ratings and then get mad that people are violent. You cannot make Desperate Housewives, a piece of trash by the way, the #1 show for young women in this country and then get mad that they are fucking! I am sick of the double standard. Why are we fucked up? Because of us. There is no other reason, and stop trying to blame everyone but yourself. Until we get this trash off the air and out of our tabloid media, we are doomed to live in the gutter, it's just too bad that Dime had to pay the price......................................RIP, bro.

Random Thoughts

2004-12-09T05:47:00.000-05:00

Not much to update, so I guess I will just ramble for a bit. The Bengals finally looked like a team Sunday, it was nice for a change. Although during the game I went through an emotional roller coaster. When Palmer threw that interception in the 3rd quarter for a Raven's touchdown, I swore right then that I was forever done with these sorry bastards. But, lo and behold, they fought back valiantly, and Palmer showed much poise coming back from that and leading 3 touchdown drives and a field goal to win in the 4th quarter. I give credit where credit is due, and now I am not so sure that we aren't at a crossroads. The Bengals could become a winner next year, but we'll have to see how the rest of this season plays out. If they don't shore up that defense they will never be a quality team. Enough football talk, how about Martha smuggling spices in her bra! Do you think the inmates call her "sweet tits"? I guess she can't handle the salisbury steak! I haven't been watching too much news lately, it was getting so depressing that I had to take a week off. So, I have been playing Madden and watching ESPN to get away from the real world for a minute. I am taping a small local television spot in Louisville on Monday, and I have a radio interview set for next week, actually 2 radio spots. One here and a phone in to a Louisville station, so I guess things are ok. I might also have an opportunity to write for the Gary Burbank show in the future, but we'll have to see about that. There is a feeler out, though, and Gary wants to meet with us so we'll take it as it goes. My friend from NY Denis Donohue was on the Howard Stern show the other day, good job my man. We met at just the right time in our careers that I think we will work together a lot in the future. I can think of no better partner to write movies, etc with. Him and his Mother have treated me like family, and it's good to know that not everyone in this business is a callous shark. Hopefully we can become a great comedy team, he is very funny and is the light to my darkness. I think this can be a powerful combination that could produce some good stories with depth and colorful characters. I can't wait to get back to NY at the end of the month to hang with Denis and The Greg Wilson again. There are a lot of cool comedians in NY like Ben Morrison who are always interesting to spend time with. It's strange to go from featuring to barking on the street for open mic spots, but I think it keeps me grounded. I need to work the NY market while I work the midwest at the same time and eventually the two will marry nicely, I believe. I can see people's treatment of me changing already, and I want to make sure I keep my head on straight. I hate egocentric pricks who think they are the shit, I don't want to become one of them. I am just scratching the surface of success, there is a long way to go but I want to stay on the ground as much as possible. There is so much to do still. I am going to start touring full time in February, hopefully, and this year will be busy trying to garner a fanbase. The radio spots are already starting to creep in, I need to record an album so I have something to sell. Hopefully, I'll get a week at the Caravan and can record all 6-7 shows and then I will have a good record to edit. Speaking of that, I would like to take this opportunity to thank some people without whom I couldn't be doing any of this. Tom Sobel, thank you for seeing something in me when no one else did. I know he'll never read this, but without him I would be nothing. He first discovered me on an open mic at the Comedy Caravan, and has groomed me ever since. Gave me my first job as an mc, and always put me in a position to have an opportunity to learn this craft and I am very grateful. I will always remember your kindness to me and will be loyal throughout my career to TSM Artist Management. My woman Sherri is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Without her loyal support, I would probably still be doing open mics right now. She understands what I am trying to do and doesn't get in my way and this is a big reason why I have advanced so fast. Anyone who can put up with me has got to be commended! I love her with all of my soul, she is that woman behind a man who is trying to become great, and if I get there it will only be because of her love and support. My father has always been supportive of my artistic expression, he is the one who taught me how to think outside the box, and I thank you for that. No amount of money can replace what you have given me, my individuality. He taught me not to go along with the crowd, to think for yourself and question authority. Most people don't get these gifts and I know that I am lucky. The Comic Revolution, Brad Thacker, Darin Overholser, Brandon Johnson, Chris Wagel, and now Corey Ward. We did a lot of hours of stage time together developing our acts, and now it seems we have fragmented because I am not going to be around and we are all trying to get out of here. Even though we don't see each other as much anymore, you guys will always be close to me in my mind. There is a lot to be said about where we came from, and I am proud to have been involved with people who care as much about comedy as an art form as I do. We may not always agree on things, but I love each and every one of those guys. Like I said before, I met Denis in NY at the Underground Lounge. I went to New York City not knowing a soul to do an open mic hoping that something would happen. He took me in like I was family from meeting me once, and now we are good friends. I am glad to have such a good comic to push me to be better, and hopefully I do the same for him. It's the holidays and that's what we're supposed to do, right? Make a list of things we are thankful for, so I guess this is why I'm being so gushy tonight. I just wanted to acknowledge the things people have done for me this year. I appreciate it and want them to know that I do. I am getting older, another birthday coming up! I find myself getting more introspective as I get older, but I suppose this is common. Things seem so much clearer to me now, and I am settling down and beginning to achieve success, finally. I'm glad I don't have the urge to drink myself into a stupor every night anymore. I don't even miss it! I never thought I'd say that! Now it just seems that I wasted a good portion of my life just partying it up, but I wouldn't be me without the experience so I guess you could look at it both ways. I wouldn't have anything to talk about if I hadn't lived fast, right? Well, hopefully the Peterson case will be over for good this week and we can move on to the next public tragedy, cause frankly I'm getting sick of his ass! Why are we so fascinated with violence? We pump it out all day and then act surprised when we do violent things. This country is filled with ignorant, violent people. You shouldn't be surprised when they act like morons. This is what we are, and a little riot seems necessary every now and then, or maybe a good school shooting. How about a spousal murder, or child molestation, even these things are trivial now. They will take your families tragedy and use it for ratings, all the while touting "American Values". Where are these values of which you speak? I fail to see them among the Hackings and Petersons of this country. And don't go hunting, you see what happened to those poor guys. American Values. America's Pastime is filled with sterroid bloated cheaters. American Values. We cheated in the Little League World Series! What does this tell the children about American Values? Enron/Haliburton, basketball riots, R Kelly, Britney Spears and the 10 minute marriage, Paris Hilton and her whoring, Ashlee Simpson and the lip synch, these are American Values. We accept this trash as American "pop culture", never seeming to realize we are feeding into our own demise. News isn't news anymore, it's propaganda just like Nazi Germany. Well, not JUST like it, but information is definitely being manipulated. Pumping up America is not the job of the news media, their job is to tell me what is going on and I can make up my own mind about it. I don't need to hear about "The Heroes of Bravo Company", spare me the propaganda bullshit and give me a straight up count of the dead and stop bullshitting the numbers. I love America, but I am afraid of what we are becoming. They need to do propaganda to keep you from seeing it, and it seems to be working. Well, it worked for Adolf as well, you can control the people with the media, it has been proven before. Just take your Prozac and go along, George W. Bush is in control.............................

University of West Virginia

2004-12-03T18:31:00.000-05:00

Well, my professional feature debut went well. I wasn't sure how the students at UVW would receive me, but it was great. Mike Diesel was the headliner, funny dude, check him out if you can. He books Wiseacres comedy club near DC, and he said I could work there anytime so I will probably be in the DC area soon. I've never been to the esteemed capitol, pigtown is what I would call it, so that should be interesting. They don't like Bush either, so I think I'll do well there. I have finally learned to be FUNNY so now I can jab and lose the crowd and get them right back if I want. I lost the youngn's with my Would redneck's call extraterrestrials "space niggers"? joke, which I thought I might, that one is always risky. It is funny how one word has so much power. I have done that joke for black people and they laughed, it is funny if you take away your natural reaction to the word. That is what is interesting about this job, language is so powerful we take it for granted sometimes. I had them every second, and got the back again after, but for that second they stared. "Did he just say that word?" YES, and for precisely that reason. I am not a racist and I am tired of racism, so I feel it's necesary to use the word so it will lose a little power. When a white guy says it, it's always the same reaction. Breath taken, "he just said.............is it ok to laugh, are any black people around?" I said it right to a black student, he laughed, one of the few. I got them right back, but I always want my show to be on the edge. I like that moment when you make the audience think for a second, confront them with reality. I always liked those guys the best. Bruce, Carlin, Hicks, Pryor, guys who made real life funny and questioned things. There is a need for guys like that, we keep the power in check by calling them on things they would rather sweep under the rug. It is difficult to balance and remember that I am a comedian first and I am learning on the fly. But, I feel like I have done a good job and Mike offered me work so I think I did well. I got good laughs throughout, and a lady asked me for my autograph! That was strange, I've never thought of myself like that and never will but I scrawled my name for her anyway. That is kind of a surreal experience for me. I've always wanted to be respected as an artist, but all that celebrity worship makes me sick. I'm just a guy, I hope that people don't start to treat me like that even if I become big. I want to be able to take a piss in a public bathroom without some jerk off trying to become your best friend in the stall next to you. I know this is naive and I will not be rude to any fans, but that shit's gotta get old quick. I will probably never get that big anyway so why I am wasting space wondering. Now I sound like I think I'm hot shit which is by far not the case. I'm just a guy who's pissed at the world, and couldn't hold a 9 to 5 because I have a bad attitude. Without comedy I'd be a homeless bum muttering obscenities to myself, or still playing in a loud rock band dreaming of success that will never come in a world of Ashlee Simpsons and Linkin Parks. At least I found something constructive to do with myself...........................

Have you gotten your Allure CD yet?

2004-12-01T02:56:00.000-05:00

I know that it's been a while since the basketbrawl, but I feel the need to talk about it because I feel it is an example of all that is wrong with America. There are so many things about this situation, I don't know where to start. I'll guess I'll start with the obvious, Ron Artest. Personally, I think that he did what he did on purpose to hype his new records that are coming out. Maybe the situation provided him the perfect opportunity to do something crazy that would generate massive amounts of free publicity for himself. This guy is obviously insane, if you watch sports even just a little you know that he is suspended more than any player. But, I feel like it is just an extension of the mentality of certain factions in this country who profit off violence. I will not go into the whole Biggie/Tupac thing but to say that they are both dead. Victims of themselves, killed by their own hype that they created around themselves to sell records. This basketball riot is directly related to this by way of the mentality that this culture creates in America. We love violence. In movies, music, Television, hell even the news uses violence. The American system is designed to condition you so that violence becomes acceptable. They say the opposite, but just look around you. It's everywhere. This is necessary, if you didn't like violence, how could we have a war every 10-20 years? This is the American way. We have always glorified violence, and you shouldn't be surprised when it erupts every now and then. The people in the stands are no less animals than Artest, don't think they get a pass. Have you been to a sporting event? I love football, but the stands are full of beer swilling idiots who start drinking at 8 am. There are always fights. And another thing, how do you think these people get home? Don't drink and drive, right. There are up to a million drunk motherfuckers driving home from football games every sunday, count in baseball and basketball and that's a lot of people weaving around the roads. Will they ever stop selling the booze? Not a chance. Why is this? Money, my friends, the American way. Booze is directly responsible in said riot, I think we can all agree on this one. If these people weren't all liquored up they wouldn't be acting like idiots throwing cups and shit. But they are Americans and that's our way. Loud, obnoxious, arrogant, and ignorant. Have you been to a NASCAR race? There are 100,000 drunk fucks there! Hell, they even set up a trailer park outside so everyone feels at home. I'm talking a mobile village right outside the track, and the beer flows heavily. Lots of fighting there. Let's face it, human beings are definitely flawed and if you get them together in mass numbers and add in alcohol, shit is going to happen. And usually not good shit, either. They cancelled a festival here because people were pissing everywhere in the streets! Please do not fall into this Artest's feeble and insane attempt to market his record label. Another thing about this guy is why do so many people in the press say we need to help this troubled young man? Fuck him, he makes MILLIONS of dollars to play a fucking GAME! In my opinion, he should be thrown out of the league. If you worked at Wal-Mart and you punched your boss or a customer, you would be fired on the spot. You would have a black mark on your record that would make it difficult to get another job. Why shouldn't he get the same? Why shouldn't he be arrested? If that was you or me fighting in the stands, we would be arrested on the spot. I'll tell you why, he's rich. And he makes money for other people who are rich, so they don't want to lose their moneymaker. There are other guys who can play basketball, no one is indespensible. It sends a terrible message to young children when we make excuses for pieces of shit human beings like this. It is saying to them that this kind of behavior is acceptable, and we wonder why the youth are out of control. This guy should never play again. He just doesn't understand how lucky he truly is. Let him go broke peddling his shitty music, that's what he wants to do, I say let him go for it. I believe that the people throwing shit and acting like animals were the "folks" that Bill O'reilly always refers to. Middle America. Good, decent white folks is what you really mean, huh, Bill. I notice you didn't have much to say about this. Oh, yeah, it doesn't fit into your America is beautiful propaganda agenda, does it. There is an ugliness under the surface that people don't like to acknowledge. We are a violent culture that has become rather mediocre. We are in a rut. Reality TV and war and our shitty movies and tabloid mentality are taking it's toll. I don't think Bob Dylan could have made it today. Could he stand up to Justin Timberlake or William Hung? No record label would even sign a guy like that today, they're too busy promoting Ashlee Simpson, who is still around by the way. I am disgusted. I don't see how we can tell other countries how to be when we are so fucked up ourselves. They are fucked up too, but we are no better, and I find it funny that we think that we are. We are hypocrites. We do all the things that we condemn others for. We sell weapons to other countries. We make chemical weapons. We make nuclear weapons. We lie to other countries if it serves our interests, why do we think that other countries wouldn't do the same shit? Bush thumps the bible, Bin Laden thumps the Koran, what's the fucking difference? These religions are what is causing all this bullshit, and has since the beginning of time. It seems we will never learn, but this basketball shit should prove to you that we are on the verge of being out of control at any time. Human beings are supremely arrogant about their place in the animal kingdom. If you pull back and look at the whole picture, we aren't really doing a very good job as caretakers of this planet or even ourselves. What a ride, it's kind of entertaining at this point. I just observe now, I don't really pick sides. To me the whole thing has become one big joke.......................

Things are happening fast now

2004-11-26T01:03:00.000-05:00

Well, it seems I have arrived. Bookers from all over are calling ME now. I got a job in Upstate NY on New Years Eve, and another in Illinois in January. I am in with Funny Business, one of the premier booking agencies in the country, and now Charter Talent is offering me work as well. With the contact I already have at TSM Artist Management, I should be able to book all next year pretty easily. I hope to work the whole eastern part of the country this year so if you live in the East, look out for me. Also, me and Denis Donahue are writing a movie script. It will probably take us forever because he lives in NY and I live here but we are giving it a shot. I think we have a good idea for a film so we'll see what happens. Life is good right now. I must admit I am a little scared of what the future holds but that is natural. After 2 years of beating my head against all kinds of conceivable walls, breaking through finally feels strange. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get out of here. I had to keep convincing myself that it was Cincinnat, not me, who was wrong about this. I know that I am onto something here, an act that is original and different than what other comics are doing out there right now, but Cincinnati made it hard for me. This area is so conservative and tows the line so much that they weren't very receptive to my questioning style at first. I remember being told that I would never be able to get work saying the things that I was saying. I was the only guy doing war jokes when the war started, everyone around here was afraid to broach the subject. Isn't that what we are here for? What is the comics job but to tell the truth as we see it without having to worry about censorship? The comedian is the only person with a license to speak the truth freely, if you don't use it you are wasting a valuable opportunity to serve society. So, the future is looking bright. Since I became a comic I have attained every single goal I have set for myself for the first time in my life. I truly feel that I have found my calling in life after much searching, and it is a great feeling. My life finally has purpose and meaning in a way that I have never known before. So, I set out on my journey. I don't know what I will find out there, but I intend to have fun along the way. I intend to perform as many times as possible in the coming year and hopefully I can make a dent in this industry. My reputation seems to be spreading outward with little help from me so I must be doing something right. I still have my Doug Stanhope DVD on which he signed "Tim, Leave Dayton". I live in Cincinnati, but I got his point. Well, Doug, I am leaving, and I must admit it feels great! Maybe one day I will become famous and the humble beginnings will all be documented right here. On the other hand, maybe I'll die out there on the road broke and unknown, but it will all be here after I am gone and hopefully someone can make some sense of it all. I hope to at least keep it interesting....................

What in the Hell are we doing Mr. DeLay?

2004-11-18T01:03:00.000-05:00

Well, now the shoe is on the other foot, isn't it? Why can people not see that these guys are CROOKS? So much so, that they have to change their own rules to keep their jobs. The right wing of this country is fucked up. If you don't know, the US House had to change the rules about congressional leaders having to step down if they are indicted on FELONY charges to protect their leader Tom DeLay. My, that is a little strict, isn't it? Their excuse, the case is political! Really? The entire case is about campaign contributions. I'm sure that everything is on the up and up, huh Tom? Just like your bullshit Texas redistricting plan that consolidates your power base by redrawing the lines in your state? I mean, c'mon people, what do these folks have to do before you will say enough is enough? You can get fired from WAL-MART for felonies, but congress, go right ahead. What about the FBI investigation into the Vice-Presidents former company? Political. Mysterious voting irregularities right here in Ohio. Political. A jackass bible thumping idiot for President. Oh, that's reality, my bad. A drug addicted talk show host who advocates locking drug offenders away, but when he is caught? Political. Another talk show host who preaches from a moral high perch caught talking dirty on the phone to anyone who will listen. Political. Well, I'm frankly getting tired of the bullshit. Apparently we're too stupid to notice that the criminals are running the prison. I see what you are doing and it will not go unchecked by me, at least. I will work as hard as I can to expose you for what you are. Just like our local prosecutor Mike Allen. For those of you who are unaware, he was banging a lawyer from his office. Of course he was married and when she tried to end the relationship he got freaky with her. So she exposed him and filed a lawsuit. Now he filed a countersuit saying that she slept with all kinds of people. Get this, even the father of one of her juveniles she was prosecuting. According to Allen, she cut a deal with said youngster because of this affair. Now, I hate to break it to you, Mike, but if this is true all it is is a further indictment of what a farce you had turned the office into. This happened on your watch, and you did nothing? How do you think this helps you? You are admitting that the office responsible for justice in this county was nothing but a sex shop, and you were right there with all kinds of perversion. Stalking, promising promotions for sexual favors. Now he wants the county to pay his legal fees! Hahahahahahahaha. What the fuck is that all about. Is he for real? Next he'll be sending us a bill for his hookers as well! We've lost our minds in this country. I know it's a theme of mine, but it's never been so true as now. Now Russia is building a new nuke. I knew it wouldn't take long for Bush to bring the Cold War back again. It's good for business. Remember, Bush looked Putin in the eye and was able to tell that he was a good man. George W. is very perceptive, you know. I think they are trying to bring to life the Left Behind series if you ask me. The point being that if we don't do something soon, we are going to pass the point of no return. We missed our chance during the election and I'm not sure we can afford to wait another 4 years to change things. I'm worried it's too late, anyway. Oh, well, plenty of material to discuss onstage. At least there is a bright side. Also know that there is a special place in your Hell for people like you guys. I hope it's the part in The Inferno where they pour shit down your lying gullet for all of eternity. Allow me a dream, okay?

Look out America, Here I come!

2004-11-11T01:36:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally got the call. After 2 years of open mics and 2 hour drives for a $50 dollar emcee gig, I got my first PAID feature job. I have done a lot of shows here locally where I was the local headliner and did 25-30 minutes, but now I am finally getting paid to be a feature by my booking agent. I have worked hard to get where I am right now, and this is only the beginning. But I will finally get hotel rooms and good pay for my talents, which is more than I can ask for. I know life on the road is not easy, but I am ready for it. I have outgrown this place and it is way too small to contain my ambitions. I am doing the University of West Virginia on December the 2nd, my first REAL job as a comic and it should be interesting. I am anxious to see how the West Virginians feel about Bush and my views on America. I know that some of you who read this blog aren't aware of my act, I assure you it is a lot more lighthearted than this. This is where I write my real feelings, my act is to make people laugh AND think. If you laugh here it's a bonus but I am not trying to write hysterics here, this is my vent. Anyway, Monday I am showcasing for a new booker who books 62 clubs in 4 states, so I will be full time next year. It is strange to work so hard to achieve something, when you get it it seems so easy. What took so long? One day nothing, the next day offers are pouring in. Life is odd. I plan on traveling a lot next year, performing as much as possible to hone my skills. If you come across this blog and don't know me, my schedule will be at www.timjones.tv, check it out and come to my show if I am in your town. I will be all over the country in 2005 and would enjoy meeting people out there. I know it seems like I hate America, but I secretly love it. I just wish we were better and that's why it is still the best. We have the freedom to CHANGE things if we really want to, and a lot of places can't say that. This is why I do what I do. I feel responsible to use the freedom to bring light to the darkness, otherwise what good is it? This is what a lot of people don't understand. We have the freedom to talk about these things in an open way. If we don't use it, we are doing a disservice to the rest of the world, most of which are denied these freedoms that we take for granted. I know I am getting philisophical here, but I want people to understand me, even the conservatives. I push back at the things I feel invade my life unwantingly. I don't go to churches and tell them they are wrong, I'm watching football! But, my Uncle has the right to have his lover visit him in the hospital regardless of how you feel about their sex lives. These are HUMAN BEINGS, AMERICANS. They don't bother you, why can't you leave them alone? Why does it bother you so much what adults do in the privacy of their own homes? We are heading down the road to religious fascism if we are not careful. Some of these christians are just as fanatical as their muslim counterparts, and we have the bombs! We must be careful, we are in an unsteady time. It is fun to watch, though! Those bombs hitting the mosques of Fallujah in the morning, what a sight! Better than the WEBN fireworks I must say. It sure is worth 8 billion dollars to see a pyrotechnic display like that! Oh, I forgot, now they want another 10 billion. And Cheneys account goes up yet again. What a world, it sure is funny. There is no other way for me but the path I have chosen, and I hope to see a lot of my fellow Americans along the way....................

Apparently, Godland is for real!

2004-11-04T04:41:00.000-05:00

Well, remember my idea about Godland? Apparently I was right! If you look at the electoral map, you'll plainly see Godland in red. The coasts go all the way down the East and West to the Carolinas. I will secede Florida to the Zealots, I've lived there before and it's not that great. I say let them have it. There's a reason we're called the flyover states, why bother stopping here? There's nothing to see. They say that the evangelical born again christians came out in droves to vote for Bushie. Enjoy it while you can, republicans, your people will be dead soon and we can take back our country from your new age Mcarthyism. Speaking of that, I'm looking for volunteers to fuck Ann Coulter. She REALLY needs it. Oh, and make her a sandwich, too. She looks like an emaciated chicken. She should have taken the opportunity to eat those pies those guys threw at her. They missed, of course, because she's such a skinny target. What could possibly have happened to this woman to make her such an evil bitch? Did she used to go out with some hippie who left her in the parking lot of a Grateful Dead show, used up and depleted of bodily fluids? "I will have my revenge on these evil hippie liberals" I pity you, Ann. To have never been loved must be terrible. But, maybe no one loved you because you're such a bitch, have you thought of that? Why don't you and Sean Hannity get it on and produce the anti-christ, and usher in the apocolypse that George Bush can't seem to wait for. Hannity seems in need of some lovin' as well, he's a little bitter. They were all gloating today, though. As I said earlier, I hope you are ready for the bullshit that's coming. FBI is investigating Dick Cheney and Haliburton as I write. And, get this, Chief Justice Renquist had that cancer last week, said he was FINE and would be back to work on Monday. Now it appears he will never be back and Georgie gets to install puppet #1 to the supreme court. Let me let you in on a little secret, that is LYING. They purposefully lied about Renquist coming back to work so you wouldn't think of that while you voted. This is how these people operate, and most Americans are too stupid to see what's right in front of your faces. Mark my words, abortion is their target and they will try to overturn Roe vs. Wade ASAP. The backward slide has returned. Please thump your bible at least 3 times a day, welcome to Godland. Home of the social conservative white folk (aka Ku Klux Klan) like our good friend Zell Miller. Never forget the Dixiecrats were racist bastards, except when it comes to fucking the help. What has happened to our land? Karl Rove had every old bible thumper bussed from their nursing homes last night to cast their shaky, dementia clouded vote for W, and the only comfort we can have is that soon those people will no longer be with us and the world MIGHT be able to become a better place someday. I just wonder if I'll make it long enough to see it...............

You can protest (6 blocks away)

2004-11-02T01:05:00.000-05:00

Well, me and Brad went down to stand peacefully in front of the Great American Ballpark (catchy name, huh) to protest the presence of President Bush, only to be told that we couldn't! They had a zone set up for us, conveniently it was 6 blocks away. Hell, they don't even know that you are protesting at that point! You just look like a jackass downtown with a sign walking around in a circle. I am proud to say that Bush couldn't sell out the ballpark, even in the Nazi Midwest, which is comforting. We had some clever signs, I must say. Brad's said "Bush is a tricker not a treater" and I had one that said "Is vacation fun while people are dying?" But my personal favorite was my "The lord giveth and the lord taketh away. Bye Georgie" sign, I was proud of that little protest nugget. Too bad I wasn't allowed to use it in the land of the "free". What has happened to us? All we wanted to do was stand peacefully outside the gate and show them that not all of us are towing the Republican line. Can you tell me the last time that someone had to sign a loyalty oath to attend a speech? I think it was 1930's Germany, but I might be wrong. I will be glad when this is all over, I'm tired of thinking about it. Seems Bin Laden is doing fine, his new video is polished as ever. We have really put a hurtin' on him, haven't we? He looks like he's been staying at the Hilton. What a fucking joke we've made of the world. We have lawyers filing election lawsuits as I write, and we are going to bring democracy to the rest of the world? Do you know that Hamid Karzai used to work for Exxon and was a CIA agent? Now he's the "democratically elected" President of Afghanistan. Can you not see why people hate us? Allawi of Iraq was CIA also, and this doesn't seem the least bit fishy to the average arab? I find it humorous that no one talks about that. And the FBI is now criminally investigating Halliburton and Dick Cheney, and not one word about that, either. This is democracy in action, folks. This country is run by criminals, and they sit in judgement of US. What a joke. If Bill O'reilly was really looking after you, he'd take the vibrator out of his ass and get on that Haliburton story. Spin that, Bill!

Thank you Carol Goins

2004-10-29T13:35:00.000-04:00

Another death this week. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Carol Goins for all that she has done for me. She was my stepmother's mother, but she treated me like I was one of their own. Even in the beginning when I was very young and there was some friction between the factions, she always came by with love and support. She was truly one of the nicest people I had ever known, with never a bad word to say about anyone. A true christian who lived by those values, she never judged or treated anyone with disrespect. She was way too young to die, but these things happen. Once again, you never know and make sure you tell the people you love that you love them. This world is so insane right now, it's easy to get caught up and forget that the people in your life are the most important thing. Carol never made me feel like I was an outsider, she welcomed me into their family with open arms, and I am extremely grateful for that. Actually, I need to thank the whole Goins family, nicer people you will not meet. I am extremely proud to call myself a member of such a good family, and I hope that they know how much I love them.

Say it ain't so, Ashlee!

2004-10-26T03:26:00.000-04:00

Damn, I never thought I would say it but it's official. There is someone out there who is less talented than William Hung! William may not sound the greatest, but at least he has the balls to sing with his own voice! This is it people, I am drawing the line. If you let this untalented little bitch get away with this because she is the sister of another untalented bitch who happens to be famous, we deserve to be blown up! Is this what we get now? Now they are trying to say that EVERYONE has a backup track that plays while they sing, BULLSHIT! I played in bands for 10 years and know countless musicians who are signed on labels, and NO ONE uses backup tracks. She says she was sick, fuck you bitch. I sang METAL and have gone onstage not being able to talk beforehand, spray your shit on your throat and get up there. The show must go on! And you NEVER walk off a stage for any reason whatsoever. If you have real talent, you would LEAD your band, not slink off like a roach when the light is turned on! Sing with the guitar player or acapela (could you take that?) Oh, yeah, you can't sing! Her band should be lined up and shot. It is so insulting to all the truly talented artists out there trying to make it in uncreative America. If this bitch is allowed to go on with this farce that is her musical career, I denounce my citizenship to this trailer park we call a country. I say we throw her in a room with Mandaddy from Gargamel (www.gargamel.net) and see what happens! She will cry for her Mommy and beg to go home. Bill Hicks warned of this long ago. Have we really become so stupid we will accept any garbage the corporations throw at us? Seems we have. Shame on you, American people, for not seeing through this bullshit excuse for talent that is Ashlee Simpson. It makes me want to throw up. As a musician who put my soul into my music, I am sickened by these corporate studio bands like Linkin Park and Ashlee Simpson who put high school poetry to shitty 3 chord musical accompaniment and pass it out to 12 year olds. Fuck that! Bring on the rock stars like Weiland, at least when he fucks up it's because he's fucked up, not because he doesn't have TALENT! Quite the opposite, he has talent BECAUSE he's fucked up! Forgive all the emphasis, as you can tell I feel srongly about this subject. This needs to stop. Do you think the soldiers in Iraq are jamming to Ashlee Simpson as they go into battle? Hell no, they're listening to Deftones or Ministry or something that ROCKS, not this shitty dentist office, elevator music sung by a spoiled little bitch with no talent or range whatsoever. How is your voice strained, Ashlee, when you can only sing in one range? Too much "OOOOOOOOOOH", I guess. That part is really vocally challenging. Go spend a week with Chino Moreno and learn how to sing. Then go live life and learn how to write meaningful lyrics and we'll see you in about 20 years, OK. Until then, shut your mouth and leave the singing to William Hung, at least he knows he's a joke, and he doesn't have a "backup" vocal track. He just sucks and isn't afraid for you to know it. Also, the Bengals must have read my previous post, because they looked like a different team tonight. They kicked ass, although I disagreed with some of the coaching calls, I have to say they looked good. Let's see if they can continue their success or if this was just a fluke. 13 years of losing makes you cynical about your team, you have to convince me. Oh, yeah, Ashlee Simpson sucks! She pulled down her message board before I could post some bile on there. She's too fucking soft to take it. Welcome to show business, little girl, it can be very cruel. Wait until David Cross gets a hold of this story, you will cry, Ashlee. He will not be kind to you, and you deserve it. Please take this opportunity to bow out quickly. Get out now while you still have a shred of dignity left. No REAL artist respects you anyway, but I think you already know that...............

We loved you Howard Dean

2004-10-22T03:26:00.000-04:00

I met Howard Dean today, it was great! This is a great man. I don't care if he said "EEEEEEYAHHHH" once in a moment of excitement, he got people off their asses when people needed a kicking. He was the only candidate to talk against this bullshit war when everyone else was scared to. It kind of scares me how we were so blindly led into this disasterous conflict in the first place. Look at what is happening now, voter fraud, registrations being thrown away, and armies of lawyers waiting to pounce on this election; and you think we're going to bring democracy to other countries? It makes me laugh, it's all a big joke. Men like Howard Dean are what America needs right now, people who speak the TRUTH and aren't afraid to take on the politicians. But, we saw what happened to him, didn't we. The media was quick to crush him when he became a threat to the established order. Have you seen the media's knee jerk reaction to Jon Stewart? Every news station has been quick to ridicule him because they don't want to admit he's right. Big corporations own the media and they use it to keep you stupid and patriotic. Hitler did the same thing, how quickly we forget the past. Why do you think that is? Throughout time we just keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again. I think we get what we deserve. After 2000, nothing surprises me anymore and nothing is as it seems. That's why it's refreshing to hear the Dean speak clearly about these issues. Health Care is a right of ALL human beings, especially if you live in the richest country on earth! Every other industialized nation in the free world has health care, why not us? Why do we give tax breaks to wealthy Americans and foreign business while we are running the largest deficit in history? And why does no one seem to care? These ads they are running on tv are so transparent. "Nicky lost her mother on September the 11th, and the only thing that saved her was a hug from GW" What a shameless motherfucker! Capitalizing on a little girls grief so we can elect George the retarded for a 2nd term, Karl Rove you are a true piece of shit! This is what we've come to folks? And I'm tired of hearing the term LIBERAL being thrown around again. I consider myself a centrist with LIBERAL leanings, but I am not ashamed of that at all. As far as I'm concerned LIBERAL means compassionate human being, but I guess there is something wrong with that in today's world, huh? In the age of Hurricane and flu vaccine price gouging. Oh, yeah, how about that. First GW's administration said you can't have the cheap drugs from Canada, but now that people are pissed and want their flu shot Canadian drugs are ok all of a sudden. What a bunch of shit, and shame on the American people for being so stupid as to not see through this bullshit. Pfizer doesn't want you to have the cheap drugs, don't you get it, and they own Bush's ass. Them and Lockheed Martin and GE and various other defense "contractors" who profit off of all this killing going on. Eisenhower warned us in the 50's man, watch out for the military industrial complex but no one was listening, apparently. I like to think of what could have been for Gov. Dean if we weren't a nation of retards asleep at the wheel. I would much rather have been voting for him than for John Kerry, but I will go with Kerry reluctantly. Anything is better than the holy rollin' GW God loving extravaganza we have now. Get a bible and a Bush/Cheney sticker quick or you'll be labeled a domestic terrorist and have to go live with Cat Stevens!

Bill O'reilly's a pervert and the Bengals still suck

2004-10-18T01:34:00.000-04:00

I fell for it again. This is the year, we're gonna be better. Shit, the Bengals look like a fuckin high school team! This guy Marvin Lewis is supposed to be a defensive guru, but I could throw for 300 yards against these sorry motherfuckers. They look worse than they did last year, and that's hard to do! And this guy Chad Johnson sent all the Cleveland secondary bottles of pepto-bismol because he said they were going to be sick of covering him. Didn't he get the memo that trash talk means nothing when you SUCK! He dropped four passes and they got blown out, the Bad News Bears shouldn't talk shit. Being a football fan in Cincinnati sure does suck, he should send us all bottles of pepto because I get sick watching this sorry excuse for a football team. Corey Dillon wasn't an asshole, he wanted to WIN and I'm glad he is part of the Patriots success now. He deserves it, he tried to make us better for a long time, I don't blame him for giving up. Hell, I want out of here, too! And how about O'reilly! If you don't know the story, check out http://www,thesmokinggun.com, it's wild. Apparently, the right wing thing is phone sex because we just had the same kind of thing here with Hamilton County prosecuter Mike Allen. I guess it's ok if you don't actually fuck someone and God will allow it. I can never figure out the loopholes these guys use to get out of that hell thing. But, once again hypocrisy prevails. I went back through Bill's book, The O'reilly Factor, and found some interesting clues that I kind of thought were strange but are crystal clear now. Bill's a sex fiend and a hypocrite, and a phone rapist as well. The girl says no but he jacks off on the phone anyway, sounds like rape to me. What does NO mean, Bill? Do you want to apologize to all the criminals you try to have locked up every night? Do me a favor and please shut the fuck up now, I've been tired of your banal rambling for a while now. I hope your wife will understand, and I'm sure everyone is so glad you wrote the O'reilly Factor for Kids book now, I've always wanted my kids to learn from a sexist, racist, hypocritical curmudgeon such as yourself. You are a true American, and you make me proud.

No Respect, Goodbye Rodney and Grandpa

2004-10-06T02:31:00.000-04:00

So I got to the gate and the guy says "go to hell"! No respect, I tell ya I don't get no respect at all. Rodney has left us. I hope he is at the gate with my Grandfather who passed away this weekend exchanging jokes on the way in. I think we can all agree that Rodney was one of the greatest comics alive today. It's a shame to see him go. As I said, my Grandfather passed this weekend as well, I would just like to take this moment to thank him for all the love he had shown me throughout my life. He was a good man, and always had jokes to tell me when I saw him. It was a surreal experience watching him go. He was brain dead from a stroke so we had to "pull the plug". I had never been in the room for something like that, it was strange to say the least. But, he was a good man who didn't want to live like that. I was half expecting Jeb Bush to burst into the room and fuck up our grief even more by trying to tell us that we had to keep him alive on machines, cause that's how God would want it. Thankfully there are no Bush's in Kentucky so we got through it alright. I found that in circumstances like these you start to notice how you've drifted away from your family. I have been living on the road in one way or another for 10 years, so I have kind of gotten away from my family. When a loved one dies, it makes you realize how much you take for granted in life. My family is made up of freaks, of course, but dammit, I love them! And I know they love me, and that's all that counts. I saw my nephew for the first time so the cycle continues. It's strange how you can fall in love with a little baby in about 5 seconds. He makes it all better, because I know I have a lifetime with him and maybe together we can fill that void. Tell your family you love them. Life is too short and they deserve your respect. They put up with your ass for a long time and we all gotta check out sometime.

American Justice

2004-09-22T13:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I saw one of the most disturbing things I have ever witnessed. If I was wondering about my theories before, I am convinced now. Me and a friend of mine were in a Kentucky court yesterday. While we were waiting there were several cases up. A lady starts telling a story. It seems her and her husband had gotten into a fight. It started with yelling, as always. Then she says she is going to leave. He tells her, "you're not going anywhere." Meanwhile, their 14 year old daughter comes down to see what's up. Daddy throws Mommy over the coffee table and chokes her. Daughter is frozen with fear, and Daddy is guarding the door so they can't leave. Daddy starts ranting, then throws his ring at her and tells her to "stick it up her ass." I was listening intently when she says the next part, "then he says, on second thought, I'll do it for you!" Then he goes over and sticks their wedding ring UP HER ASS! This guy is a class act! My jaw hit the floor. He stuck a ring in her ass while his daughter watched! She lies on the floor and removes the ring with her fingers, then her and the daughter make a break for it out towards her mothers home which is right up the road. They are about halfway there when Daddy decides to get in his truck and run them down! He almost hits them 4-5 times, chasing them onto the shoulder of the road and into the wooded area where he drives off. They call the police and now we are in court. Now, a defense attorney representing this great father gets up and starts to question this woman. "You never mentioned choking in the report, was it 4-5 or 6 times he tried to hit you? Did the police do scientific testing to determine if the ring was really in your ass?" What the fuck? This guy is a piece of shit. Then, the 14 year old daughter comes in and tells the EXACT same story, ass ring and all. Mr. defense doesn't try to badger her, though. He waits untill she is done and comes with this genius move, "Your honor, the statute for assault 4 calls for bodily injury, and we have not proven here that anyone was injured!" WHAT? I almost laughed until the judge spoke up, "we have not really proven that assault has occurred. As horrible and vile as that may be, it does not qualify as an assault and I am going to dismiss the charge." WHAT THE FUCK? He did find it in the kindness of his heart to keep the wanton endangerment charge on him, but I was livid. This is what I cannot stand. Our system is retarded and broken. Violent criminals are treated less harshly than drug offenses and I find it sickening. The same day I watched countless people get sent to jail for marijuana and drunk and disorderly, but this piece of shit gets consideration? Drugs are bad and violence is good? I do not understand the logic of our system. It is outdated and archaic. How is sticking a ring up someone ass not an assault? Not to mention in front of your 14 year old daughter! Then they argued about getting him off house arrest so he could work his "lawn care business"! This guy is 45-50 years old and still cuts lawns! This is a fine upstanding citizen. The family didn't want him out because he's been stalking them, but Mr. defense says it's just a coincidence that he shows up everywhere they go. I couldn't believe that this was really happening in front of me. The judge gave him permission to work, as long as he stays out of Gallatin county where the family lives. Then father of the year gets up to leave and stares his family down like a mad dog as he's walking out into stalking freedom. I should have planted a joint on him and we could have got him locked up! Now, this man is free to maybe kill his wife and daughter while they await trial so they can be free of this monster. Am I the only one who thinks this is insane? I bet if you could get a roll call of the people in the jail in that county, you would find that most of them aren't dangerous at all. They sit in there while stalker/ass ringer walks the streets to contemplate the death of his family, and Bill O'reilly doesn't have anything to say about that, does he? I love this country, but it is broken. Patriotism is more than wrapping yourself blindly in the flag, it is having the courage to fix what is broken in America. Speak up, that's why they gave you that right. The war on drugs has done nothing but make the streets more dangerous by protecting the violent criminal. We need to reexamine our priorities and realize that prisons are for VIOLENT, DANGEROUS people, not some hippie that sold acid at the Dead show. And why do you care so much what we do on our own time? If you do drugs and get violent, then you should be in prison. But, I don't think someone should be sent to prison just because they like to get high. If you don't harm anyone else, it's your business what you do and no one else's. You know that when they clear out the prison to make more room, they let out the violent offenders, because the drug people have mandatory sentences! Insanity at it's best. Oh, but not Rush Limbaugh, he has a PROBLEM and needs help. Disgusting and hypocritical, as usual.................

Resistance is futile

2004-09-07T01:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I hate to say it, but it is going to happen again. I was in New York at the RNC, what a joke! I had never been to a protest before, now I know why. There were quite a few pissed off Americans about, but there were just as many police to control the situation. No one was doing anything untowards, yet the cops were very antagonistic. We weren't allowed to stand a block up from the Garden, so a lot of us were just walking up and down the block. No standing! Remember you are free at all times. A lot of us were waiting for Mr. Bush to come so we could give him the finger, but then the riot police showed up and started herding us like cattle up the street and away from the convention. I guess W can fuck your life up as he chooses, but never has to actually face the disaffected. They screen his rally's as well, do you know that? I'm not comparing the two, but that is what Germany used to do. The Nuerenburg Rally comes to mind. Dissenters not allowed, welcome to democracy! How did we get this far? What the fuck is wrong with us? Economic numbers show that there are more people living in poverty with no health insurance, but Bush's approval rating goes UP the same day! People say, "well, Georgie sticks to his beliefs no matter what!" So, he'll clutch his bible and go down with the ship? Do you wanna ride on the God express? They say Bush consulted God before making his decision to blow the fuck out of all the brown people, but didn't Bin Laden do the same thing? Are you sure they're talking to the same guy? The same God that told the Israelis to build another wall? That's what we need, more walls. The Palestinians are the American Indians 2004. Get on the reservation and shut the fuck up, brownies. It's disgusting. I'm sorry, but I am getting very tired of my own country. No one talks anymore, they just yell at each other and nothing gets through. Meanwhile your sons and daughters are dying and Haliburton cashes in, schools here are shitty and God forbid you get sick and go bankrupt. Well, at least Dog the Bounty Hunter finally has his own show! I have an idea, why don't we split up again? We'll take the coasts into say, Pennsylvania on the East and Colorado on the West. The people that Bill O'reilly affectionately refers to as "the folks" can have the middle. We'll call that GODLAND, and you guys can sit there and be brainwashed by Fox news and George Bush and watch wrasslin' to your heart's content. Toby Keith can tour constantly, and bibles all around! We'll see how long you last. The great experiment, and we can sit on the coasts and laugh our asses off at your medieval approach to a world that has obviously outgrown you and your hypocritical belief systems. The fox is in the henhouse now, and he's not leaving quietly. Do you know that they put temp jobs in the job creation numbers? Is that really "creating" a job? Is this honest? They say Afghans are registering for this new election in record numbers. They've never had an election, so ONE would be a record, jackasses! Look beyond the surface and our world is amiss, my friends. I just really wish that we would wake up before it's too late. And if you think that two guys from the same secret fraternity at one of the richest and most powerful universities in America are that much different, I'll tell you the Terminator could one day be the President. Shit, they're trying to do that, too! I'LL BE BAAAAAAACK........................

Thoughts on New York

2004-08-16T14:32:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm back from my first foray into the Big Apple. A strange and wonderful place, I must say. I had been there when I was young, but I was nowhere near being ready for anything then. It is a strange mixture of the beautiful and tragic that we don't really get here in the midwest. Sure we have tragedy, but everything here is so spread out that it isn't right in your face. Everything is concentrated together in NY so that you see it all right in front of your eyes very clearly. People are driving by in long stretch limo's and when they stop at a light, there might be a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk not 6 feet from a millionaire. Where else can the spectrum of life be so close together at all times? It's a fine line between making it or just being sucked up by the place and turning into a soulless shell, not a human being anymore but a number. I couldn't imagine being raised there, the numbness that must occur inside. Seeing homeless people all around you since you were a kid, not wanting to help, just thinking that it's normal. And on the other side, all that culture has to offer is right at your fingertips. Theater, Music, Comedy, TV shows taping all over, different languages being spoke everywhere. It was truly a wonderful thing. Cincinnati sucks! I wore my Chinese Gi and this guy asks me where I got it. I said I ordered it off the internet from Shanghai, and he says "why didn't you just go down to Chinatown and buy one?" Ha! Obviously he's never been to Cincinnati! We don't have a fucking Chinatown, we're just now starting to get hispanics! And the redneck fucks around here are freaking out about that! "They took our job!" It was hilarious. This city truly is the shithole that people think it is. All we have are blacks and whites and all they do is fight and yes, segregation does exist in America. This place is in about 1955, and the rest of the world is changing rapidly, and the rednecks are at an impasse. Soon they will be a minority, and what then? I think it's hilarious, the world has a way of working itself out if we don't destroy it first. What will white people do when their vote doesn't count anymore? I find it quite amusing, god knows that we white people deserve a little comeuppance from the myriad of people we've done wrong over history. The crowds in New York were very receptive, and I feel pretty good that my act works all over the country. A couple of people from the audience came up to me and said nice things, and in NY that is a good sign! There is an undercurrent of attitude that is very thick, and I was the "new guy" for sure. But, I feel it was a success and feel confident that I can get out of here very soon. Hard work, as William Hung would say, is the key to success, and I am ready to put my all into it now. There is no turning back, I am a comic for life now.............................

New York City

2004-08-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

Hey, I'm here! We went and saw Dom Irerra last night and he was great. The MC and the feature were just ok, so I think I'll do well here. We have seen a lot of interesting things in just a couple days. I finally made it out to Ground Zero and guess what? There was a guy there trying to sell shit, ain't capitalism great? You can never miss an opportunity to make a buck, even if it's on top of someones grave! New York is definitely the place to be. We took a tour of Good Morning America's studio and we are going to watch the broadcast of World News Now later this evening. I am paying at an internet cafe, so I have to be short with this one. I'll post later tonight about how I felt my show went and I have more time. Until then, I'll be back on Sunday. Hope everyone is doing well at home. I can't say I miss Cincinnati all that much, and I look forward to being on the road more often.

I'm going to New York!

2004-08-06T01:54:00.000-04:00

Well, folks, I am about to hit the road for real this time. I got lucky and got some stage time in New York City, so I am embarking on a weekend adventure. Who knows where this may lead, if anywhere, but you gotta go for it if you want something. No one is gonna show up in Cincinnati looking for the next Lenny Bruce, of this I am sure. I might not know a lot of shit, but that my friends is a fact! Shit, I'm lucky to get away with what I get away with here as it is. And sometimes I am walking the line, I know. Some weird stuff happened already, I booked my hotel without knowing anything about where I was going. Then when I checked it out, I am a half a block from where I am going to be playing! What a stroke of luck! New York is huge, what are the odds of that? I hope it is a sign of good things to come, but we'll see. I am cautious about getting too content in life, it has a way of bashing you in the face sometimes! Usually right when you think things are great. Anyway, I should have some interesting stories, I will try to post from the road when I can, but I'm sure I'll be back before I go.................

Gay Marriage

2004-07-26T12:41:00.000-04:00

Me and Sherri went down to Sawyer Point on the river the other day for the summer jam or whatever they call the party in the park this week. It was a nice day, and we were enjoying being outside. Then, it happened. "Would you like to sign a petition that says marriage is between a man and a woman?" Is this for real, I thought? Isn't there a war on right now? Doesn't the rest of the world hate us right now? Isn't the President a moron who can't even speak our language? Sherri says, "No thanks, we're not interested." and this lady pipes up, "What, you don't want to defend marriage!" From what!!!! Is Al Qaeda targeting marriage now? Are we that easily distracted? What a meaningless, bullshit issue to make you forget your children are dying! Why are we so obsessed in this country with making sure other people are unhappy? If 2 gay people want to get married, what the fuck do you care? Are they affecting your life? "We have to protect the institution of marriage.", well I say you should protect it from J-Lo and Brittney Spears! They've done a great job of upholding the sanctity of marriage, every 48 hours they marry someone else! Why do people care so much about other people's lives? Is his dick in your ass? NO, it isn't. Has he tried to put it there? NO, he didn't. I don't understand why their happiness makes you so angry. Especially when you think that most of the people bitching are CHRISTIANS who preach "love your neighbor", well except those fags over there! They are going to hell! It's insane, like everything else in this country. Like, "thou shalt not kill", who are you joking, mankind has been killing since the beginning! For Christ's sake, Cain killed his own brother! And then there were only 4 people so shut the fuck up. "Thou shalt not steal", Haliburton, Enron, Global Crossing, is this not stealing? "Thou shalt not bear false witness", folks, we cheated on the little league world series! George W. Bush bears false witness every single day, and we accept it. This country is in some serious trouble, people, and if you don't wake up soon all will be lost. Don't get distracted by meaningless issues, and if you want your world to be run by right wing christian idealogues who are intolerant of everyone else and are stuck in the 1950's, go right ahead. Just don't expect to find peace and love anytime soon. I saw an interesting film about John Kerry last night and they were showing the republican convention when Nixon was president and guess who was sitting there, all in a row? Donald Rumsfeld, George H.W. Bush, and George W. himself. Now, we all know what kind of guy Nixon was, looks like these crooks learned from the best! Old Dick "Fuck yourself" Cheney also worked for Nixon as well. And we are not retarded? Did we not learn the first time? Do you really think these guys got ethical all of a sudden? Rumsfeld was a Nixon aide during Vietnam, and look what we have now! Remember "Vietnemization"? That is what we are doing right now with the Iraqi's, the same exact policy that failed in 'Nam! If you don't know about it, read up on it at historychannel. com or at the smithsonian website, you will see the similarities. Sherri's father and my friend Calvert's dad were both in Vietnam, and they both have very different views of the war they fought in. Mankind is definitely mixed up, and there are so many more worthwhile things to pursue than who wants to live together! Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is a big hit show, so what, homosexuals can be used for your entertainment but they cannot be allowed to pursue happiness? What a sick, twisted view of the world. I'm sure your God would be proud........................

High School Reunion

2004-07-22T15:21:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally got that call. The 15 year class reunion. I guess they needed someone to beat on, and why not call an expert! Seriously, though, I'm not sure how I feel about it. A lot of that time was some of the worst I can remember. There are so many girls who wouldn't give me the time of day back then, the rejection is still fresh in the soul! Shit, I couldn't even get a date to the prom, I had to get a girl from another school! I was a fat bastard, this is true, but I have always had my incredible brain! Haha! Just kidding, I was, shall we say, the odd man out in my school. I have always felt like a detached observer, but it was really driven home in high school. Freak, stoner, geek, fat boy, all these names have been used by these people to torture me during my formulative years and now they want me to go and party with them! I can go and look upon all the girls I secretly loved who would never even speak to me, sounds fun! It would be kind of fun to see who married who, I wonder if some of them realize they could have had so much more from life if they would only have opened their minds a bit. I am not vindictive nor do I hold grudges, I hope everyone turned out the best they could. I'm sure a lot of them realized what assholes they were once they grew up a bit. Maybe they have kids now and remember how much they tortured people like me and don't want their child to be victimized. I hated that place so much, I left at 17! I am working the night of the reunion so I can't go, and I have mixed feelings. Part of me wants to go and see, like looking at a car crash! The other part says fuck those people, they never gave a shit about me. I always knew that I wanted more from life, so it doesn't really bother me anymore. But, everyone is different now, I'm sure, and I have definitely moved on. There is much in the future for me, and the past makes you who you are. Us freaks always turn out to be the most interesting people anyway, and usually life reverses itself. The captain of the football team is now a factory worker, and the geek is an entertainer. Maybe I am constantly seeking the approval that was denied me as a youth, maybe I am crazy, who knows? But, my life has been an interesting ride, and those guys definitely gave me the anger needed to write good music! My comedy is steeped in it as well, so it was probably for the best. It just wasn't that fun at the time. I hope my classmates have gotten everything they deserve, good and bad. You know who you are. Maybe now they will understand that life is so much more than who is the coolest guy in the yearbook! For a lot, I'm sure that was the highlight of their lives, now they are slowly dying 40 hours a week on the Seagrams distillery line or whatever corporation owns their souls now. I started writing for the school newspaper and never stopped. Whether it be poetry, songs, and now comedy, I have always found a way to express myself and make a living doing it. Sure I was broke a lot, but I am happy, and that counts for everything! I hope that everyone realizes that the stoner is the one who usually does great things. Live outside the box, open your mind and you will be rewarded. If you are young and unhappy, realize it is THEM who are the really sad ones. That's why they persecute you, they know they are going nowhere and they take their frustration out on you! There are so much better ways than the Columbine way. It is better to just be successful and they will realize that they suck on their own. Living well is the best revenge. I hope that anyone from school who reads this doesn't get the wrong impression. I am not bitter, I just want others who are now on the low end of the High School pecking order to understand that everything changes after school. Life has a way of turning around, and soon you'll be on top, so keep your head up and plug along. Life is what you make it..............................

Television debut

2004-07-15T06:47:00.000-04:00

Well, I just finished my first ever television spot. It was kind of anticlimactic, actually. First of all, they never told us anything about what to do, they just parked us in the green room. There was nothing in the green room, by the way, not a deli tray or a cheese danish in sight! Don't they know who we are? Of course I'm joking, they were actually very nice to us, besides not telling us what to do. I wasn't sure if I should look at the camera or stare at David Rose, but it turned out okay. I know it's lame, but I went straight home and watched the tape! It is very surreal to see yourself on TV, or to hear yourself on the radio for that matter. It's just like anything, you set goals for yourself and work long and hard to achieve them, but when it actually happens it's over so fast you don't have time to appreciate it fully. Then the next day, you have to set another goal, raise the bar for yourself and start all over again. Such is life, a never ending cycle. I spoke to Matt Maupins mother yesterday, and it was one of the only times in my life that I had no idea of what to say. I cannot even begin to imagine her pain, and I had no idea what she would think of my efforts to help them. My fears were totally unfounded, she is a wonderful human being and was grateful that we wanted to help the family. I was so relieved, all I really wanted to do was to show them that someone cares about their son. The guys over there don't make the decisions, they have no choice but to do what they are told. I am doing my best to fight for them over here, and to make sure they are not neglected when the dirty work is done. The reason we are in this mess now is that WE didn't do enough to stop it. No one talked it out, everyone just jumped on the Bush war wagon and rode it all the way to Baghdad. We should have asked more questions, been more skeptical. War is not a game, as we see now. At least it's not a game to those who oppose us, they look serious to me. I watched the Berg video for the first time the other day, and it was deeply disturbing. I don't think you can compromise with these people, and I don't know how we will ever get it together over there. Why do we not care about Africans being hacked to death with machetes by the thousands? Are they not human? Oh, no oil in Africa. Could this possibly be an explanation? Haliburton can't profit from just helping people, and we need gas, dammit! it all seems so insane to me, and it was all brought back to me by that brave womans voice. People are dying, OUR people. Is it worth it? I truly hope so, but they make it hard to keep the faith.................

Canoe Trip

2004-07-12T15:56:00.000-04:00

Well, I will diverge from my usual ranting to say that I had a wonderful day canoeing yesterday out in Brookville, Indiana. I forgot how nice it is to get out in nature and just enjoy the world. There is something about nature that makes people nice again, have you ever noticed that? Everyone is friendly and just relaxed and taking it easy. There were weird moments, of course. This guy came out of nowhere and was like Marguerita Man, handing out flasks of pre-flavored margueritas like they were Pez candy! Then he proceeded to ask us who had the weed! Nothing is free in America. He said he was a liquor distributor. I was like, no shit, you're distributing right now! That's a guy who is dedicated to his job! Some people call him a drunk, he calls it a career! It was a strange interlude for sure. Other than that, the day was uneventful. Sherri had never been canoeing before, but we didn't flip one time. It was a wonderful day in the sun, and I almost forgot how messed up everything is for a while, anyway. At the end, this drunk couple was stuck on the rocks, and the guy was pushing the boat. He fell flat on his face in the boat, and just laid there. I was beginning to worry when he sprang up. "I'm drunk and my feet hurt", he says, "do you have a marlboro?" Of course I did and relinquished it. His wife was screaming, "don't you push me into the bank, you son of a bitch!" It was then I realized why he was drunk! It was hilarious. People are so fascinating to me. Well, I hope to get outside again soon. It is crazy when you think about how much time you really spend running on the wheel and not taking enough time to just relax for a minute and enjoy the simple things. The world is still beautiful if you can get away from all the humans for a bit................

Well, my first feedback

2004-07-10T11:17:00.000-04:00

To mbrew1, all I have to say is I am sorry your son was in Iraq, and I'm sorry you worried about him. I am truly glad that he made it home safe. I am not a socialist, by the way, I consider myself a liberetarian centrist, if you must know. Now, about this whole Clinton thing, when he was president, all you guys did was chase him around. When he did do something about it, ie bomb Iraq, he was accused of wagging the dog! Now, I'm not saying that Clinton was great, but you have to admit his hands were tied a little. Don't you think that we could have seen this coming if so many agents weren't testing blue dresses and interviewing people about a blow job? I prefer a well blown president myself, gas was cheap and no one died! Also, you miss the point. The constitution gives me the right to have my own opinions and to freely express them. This is what freedom is all about. If I was a socialist, what's so wrong with that? As a representative of DEMOCRACY, don't you agree that I have the right to be whatever I want? If you don't, then you, my friend, are the problem. As far as Bush being elected goes, you are obviously ignorant of the facts, because he was APPOINTED by the Supreme Court. I appreciate your feedback, though. You are entitled to feel however you want, I am not trying to convert people or change your mind, this is just a forum for me to express my thoughts. That is what freedom is about, the FREE exchange of ideas. Both parties are in the deathgrip of huge corporations, and we all know what can happen if we give too much power to the government. Just ask the Germans about that. Do you watch fox news, mr. conservative? At least you gave up your son to fight, unlike most of your ilk. I admire you for that. I admire anyone who truly stands up for what they believe. Take it from me, I have had a much harder time getting my comedy career going because of the controversial nature of my material. But, I wouldn't have it any other way, nothing worthwhile is easy. What do you think about this Haliburton thing? Think Cheney and Lay are both just dumbasses who have no idea what their evil companies are doing? Remember, 2 years ago Lay was "Kenny Boy" to Georgie Bush, and they flew around in his private jet bought with your grandmothers retirement funds. Oh, yeah, democracy in action! I agreed with invading Afghanistan, and if this war was all about terrorism, we would have 100,000 troops there where they are really needed to find Al Qaeda, not in Baghdad securing Haliburtons income! I know it is difficult to put aside all the propaganda that has been pumped into your head since birth, but just think about it. If this corruption is what we are fighting for, we have a serious problem. My problem is I don't BELIEVE anymore. Be afraid, be very afraid seems to be the mantra. I know there is the possibility of an attack on a daily basis, I don't need Ridge and Ashcroft telling me every second. If they are so concerned why didn't they raise the crayola terror alert? It's all about keeping you afraid, or pissed so you'll support whatever military action they decide on. How about North Korea or Iran? They are actively breaking international laws, and we haven't done dick about that! Seems Pakistan was running a nuclear 7-11 over there, and we let that guy off completely! Explain that, conservatives! Seems there is some kind of double standard going on here. Well, I'm glad that people are reading this, at least, that is the purpose of the blog. Open debate, and I welcome more response. Check out my website www.timjones.tv if you want to know more about what I do. It says there, mbrew1, that I don't want to be in charge of this fucked up world. I am a human being on the planet earth, and I'm not overly proud of that, either. We could be so much better................

Edwards it is, thank you lord!

2004-07-07T16:48:00.000-04:00

The only reason I say this is look who else we had to coose from! Dick Gephardt? That's like a valium and a xanax on the same ticket! I don't think we could have stayed awake until the election listening to those two guys drone on and on. My coffee table has more charisma than John Kerry. There's some interesting stuff on that table, that's all I'm saying. So I'm glad they picked a new, young face to work with this guy. I want Kerry to win, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying he's not the most exciting guy. I'm glad they finally got somebody running who wasn't around during the silent movie era! These old guys are way out of touch with the modern world, that's why they are being outsmarted by the terrorists. We have all the technology, but they can work it better, apparently, because what we're doing doesn't seem to work. Meanwhile Bin Laden is putting out more tapes than 50 cent! And he has better production! Do you think Bin Laden has a full scale production studio in his cave or what? How do they make these fancy tapes they put out every week? Al Queda is like the middle eastern Death Row Records now, all the hits delivered straight to your door. What a mess we've made of the world. I guess that's what happens when you let someone steal an election. I suppose that gives you a little feeling of bravado, an untouchable state of mind. I just think the president shouldn't be allowed to invade a country until he can find it on a map! Is that too stringent? Well, if he went to public school I could understand his ignorance, but this man supposedly has the finest education money can buy! If they were going to blow something up, make it the english department at Yale, apparently they aren't doing anything there anyway. So, Kerry-Edwards it must be, and I'll ride that train all the way home, hopefully. Although the New York Post has already called it wrong, showing you what we have to look forward to this election cycle. Who's who? What is what? They are already trying to confuse, to muddle the issues. Be afraid, be very afraid. Get your duct tape and plastic wrap, oh don't forget your Bush-Cheney sticker, you'll need that down in your bunker! We can't tell you what we are really doing because that would damage national security! Hmmmmmm, it all seems kind of fishy to me, but then again, I'm paranoid! The government would never lie to you. Oswald acted alone, there is no uranium in the groundwater, Bush was really elected, global warming is a myth, and impotence is caused by liberalism. I actually heard Michael Savage say that yesterday, it was hilarious. Pick up your sword, Michael, if you are so gallant and get your ass over to Iraq! Otherwise shut the fuck up and stop spewing hate and ignorance over the airwaves. Conservatives are so tough in their armchairs. Why don't they send their kids to die if they are such hardasses? Oh yeah, they couldn't fight, they are fucked up on painkillers! I wouldn't want a junkie in my unit, he'd steal all the morphine from the medpacks! I don't know if I invaded Rush Limbaugh's right to privacy with that joke, but if I didn't I will now. YOU'RE A JUNKIE RUSH LIMBAUGH! Haha, right on the net for the world to see! I know no one reads this shit, but it makes me feel better and that's all that counts. I wish just once you would apologize to all the people with drug problems that you've helped lock up in prison with your nazi show. Hypocrisy is the hallmark of America, I'll be back soon................

Isn't it ironic

2004-07-02T03:29:00.000-04:00

I went to a service today to give my support to our local POW Matt Maupin. There was all this talk of freedom, which is cool, but then I turned and saw a sign that said "No skateboarding, Bike riding, or other activity. YOU ARE BEING WATCHED" It struck me as a little ironic. I don't think people get it. Are we really that bad? What is this law enforcement boner we have here in America really all about? There are so many cops per sqare mile, we should have no crime. Our jails are overcrowded and yet little kids go missing every day. It's insane to me, I just don't get it. On Memorial day weekend, John Ashcroft came on tv and showed those pictures of 7 so called terrorists that he said were planning an attack. I went down to Kentucky to do a show, and where were the police? Standing guard at the bridges and overpasses looking for terrorists? Nope, they were on the side of the road with their speedo guns, looking for the felonious and highly dangerous criminal, the speeder. Are speeders part of the axis of evil now? Why are we still locking up marijuana smokers in jail? Maybe it's just me, but when planes start flying into our buildings, the maniacal weed smoker suddenly doesn't seem so dangerous anymore. We need to re-evaluate our priorities in this country. Why are we building schools in other countries when ours are falling down? Not that I don't care about those people, I do, but I think we should take care of our own first. Do you realize that 11,000 people a year are killed with guns in this country? That is way more than were killed in Iraq, and that's a war zone! I am beginning to think that we are really lost. America is a beautiful idea, but I'm not sure that it has ever been practiced in the right way. It seems we just kept that manifest destiny idea and now we are gonna manifest destiny right on top of your ass!(insert your favorite oil-rich country here) The thing that kills me is that everyone is saying Saddam was evil, but it seems they have forgotten who armed him in the first place! You can thank good old Ronnie for that, the Gipper sure was good at selling weapons, turned the economy around! The connection seems obvious to me, but everything is so convoluted today it's impossible to tell what is what. All I know is that Halliburton is selling Coca Cola to the Army at $50 dollars a case, charging $100 dollars a bag for laundry, and selling us gas in the middle of an oil field for $5 dollars a gallon, and no one seems to think this odd at all! Dick "go fuck yourself" Cheney has nothing to do with this at all? I find it hard to believe that a man of his intelligence and holdings in the company doesn't realize what is going on. They know, and when they drape themselves in your flag, they are just trying to hide the bundles of stolen money they are taking out the back door. It all seems so insane to me. The whole human race is on the downward spiral, and our ego's just keep us clinging to a raft that is heading for the waterfall! Sometimes you have to just say it's broken, and it's time to make some repairs. Why do we only have 2 political parties? Do you really think that 2 parties can speak for the diverse points of view in a so called "free" society? Most European countries have 20 political parties that all hold seats in the legislative bodies. Are there no socialists in America? Why are they not represented? Oh, yeah, they are communist scum, I forgot! What about the liberetarians? They have a party, but I would hardly say they are represented in the government. The greens are onto something, but it has been slow going. Whatever happened to the Whigs? They once held many seats in the House and Senate, but they are no more. I know I am a comedian and you probably expect this shit to be funny, but I am just wondering about the state of our nation and sometimes I find it hard to laugh about it! I was at this festival and I saw an indian drum circle, only there were no indians, all the people doing it were white! I thought once again, isn't it ironic. We killed so many indians founding our great "free" nation that white people have to keep their culture going! Thank god there are some people who think it's worthy enough for life support! I think we could do better, and I fervently hope the day comes soon...............

Wow, you'll never believe this shit!!!!!!!!!!

2004-06-30T04:25:00.000-04:00

My friend was busted for havin cheese in his trunk! No shit, some Barney Fife deputy sheriff in Indiana thought he had cocaine! This is not a joke, ladies and gentlemen; This is 2004 in the good ole US of A! Then when he tried to get his car out of impound for the bullshit charges, they told him it was his responsibility to pay for it!!!!!! Now, I'm not one to complain (insert joke here), but this is bullshit!!!! I don't know if I spelled responsibility right, and it's gettin to me already, but doesn't this tell you that the people running this country have lost their minds? At least I care if I spell words correctly, and goddamn it, I know if there's cocaine or cheese in my fucking trunk!!!!!! Who is running this fucked up ship? Terrorists are out there conspiring to kill us all, and this stupid motherfucker can't tell the difference between cocaine and swiss cheese? I'm sorry if I'm the only one who feels afraid right now, and it's not from THEM, I'm afraid of US! We are a retarted nation, and I'm not sure we should be proud of anything right now. Why is there a cop on every corner of this FREE society? From mall cops to Park rangers to the county sheriffs to your local cops in towns with no crime rate? I'll tell you why, To Serve and Collect! That's why. They are not concerned about anyone's safety, they are only concerned with keeping the revenue stream up to date! I would elaborate more, but I am tripping on mushrooms right now and don't want to bore you with rambling. But, this cheese for cocaine debacle I thought was good fodder for discussion about our state as a nation, and any thoughts you had about fixing it would be greatly appreciated. I have to go to bed. Tune into radio tomorrow, 88.3 FM WAIF 11am for more. Goodnight, those who think they are free stay tuned for more disappointment!!!!!!!

I finally got it!

2004-06-28T22:23:00.000-04:00

Well, I finally figured out how to make one of these damn things! I am computer illiterate, but I am slowly learning how to read! Welcome to my online domain. For those of you who don't already know me, quit your job and stay awhile! I will do my best to entertain you with tales from the road and humorous viewpoints on various issues (ie, whatever is pissing me off this week!) This week it has to be the midnight handover of power in Iraq. These people are acting like this bullshit piece of paper and their new english speaking puppet will make the terrorists quit tomorrow. Now, we all know this is a fallacy. Besides, the new Iraqi president speaks better english than Georgie! Maybe he can talk Zarquawi into surrendering tomorrow! "C,mon, man, I got this piece of paper that says I'm in charge!" I bet you anything he works for Halliburton! I don't know what's going to happen, but what a mess we've made of our world, huh? The good news is Fox news says the handover of power will power up my portfolio! Maybe we can save Iraq some money on their insurance by switching to Geico, too. I find it funny why people even wonder why they hate us. It's obvious to me when they show pictures of a beheaded man and proudly proclaim that the stock market held steady that day, unlike the man's family. Times are crazy, my friends, and I have no idea what we are going to do about it. I guess we could sit around and suck down beer and watch American Idol or wrestling, maybe the Simple Life like the rest of our fellow sheep, but I choose to battle. Please join, Be back soon.........